thanksgiving break

On Monday, I drove up to Cleveland to hang out with my friend Bobby. It had been a long time since I'd taken a car trip of that length alone (three hours) and I savored it thoroughly. I listened to music and just stepped aside as my thoughts ran every which way, had some conversations with myself in the car, reflected on life, and drove up the interstate to Lake Erie.

Of course, I wasn't actually supposed to go all the way to Lake Erie, but some slightly mixed up directions allowed me a nice view of the lake, and a quick phone call allowed me to re-direct my course such that I made pretty good time. Bobby and I went out to lunch, and then went back to his house and just hung out, talked with his mom, watched dvd's, and I had a very relaxing time for the rest of my visit.

The drive home the next day was not as quiet (I was on the phone for most of the trip), but still very enjoyable. It had started snowing quite a bit, and the trees around the 271 beltway south-east of Cleveland were quite scenic.

Today, I'm back in my home away from school, back down in Columbus, tucked warmly in the upstairs bedroom with a dog and a goldfish, watching the snow fall.

My to do list today consists of the following:

• practice piano

• call Grandma

• go grocery shopping

• turn off coffee maker

• eat cookie (see cookie-monster)

That last item was added by James, Adam's roommate, a product designer for a design firm here in Columbus. He added a fantastic little cartoon of Cookie Monster eating cookies.

I had left the list, a pen, and the digital camera on the dining room table, along with a chocolate chip cookie in a bag, while I was practicing piano in the living room. James called to me from the dining room “hey, Robyn, this cookie on the table-- do you know whose it is?”

“yeah, it's mine.” I replied.

“aww, I was hoping it was Adam's. I was going to take pictures of myself eating it.”

He compromised by drawing the Cookie Monster illustration, which I would post if my scanner wasn't back at school. He also took some pictures of himself, not eating the cookie, which I will post, because that's what you get when you take pictures of yourself on someone else's camera.

just not down with the juvenile slang

Ahh, the facebook. That added social facet of college life that no one really can explain. It just exists, connecting us all to each other, often without our knowledge, telling other people things about us of which we may or may not be aware.

Apparently, as I learned last night, the choice of “random play” under what you are “looking for” in your profile does not imply to people that you are interested in spontaneous water balloon fights or late night trips to waffle house or barefoot puddle jumping. Instead, my friend Mike politely informed me that it carries the connotation of casual hooking-up “of the sexual variety.” Personally, the idea of jumping barefoot in puddles sounds a lot more random and playful to me than getting naked with someone you barely know, which to me sounds fairly awkward. My poor, naïve mind. Mike suggested that I must just not be down with the juvenile slang. Sadly, this appears to be the case.

I have removed “random play” reluctantly from my profile. But I still like water balloon fights.

Robyn needs some love

I've been in something of a strange mood lately. I've been feeling rather restless and incoherent.

So, rather than risk disturbing you with what nonsensical thoughts I might be having right about now, here's one of those “google search for your name + 'needs' and post the results” things. Some are very true. Some less true. Some, I hope are not true. Can you guess which ones are which?

Robyn Needs Your Support!

Robyn needs advice

Robyn needs to be taught a lesson - luckily for her it's the kind of dirty tutorial she enjoys [???]

Robyn needs to be sure

Robyn needs a name

Robyn needs to feel What is Above and not be afraid that It is an enemy

Robyn needs to work on tolerance and understanding

Robyn needs help!

Robyn needs more by way of a biography than those brief words

Robyn needs to stay here

Robyn needs to raise £500,000

Robyn needs input

Robyn needs an apology

Robyn needs to coordinate

Robyn needs to get started on the sequel

Robyn needs wisdom

Robyn needs scribes to help at refugee interviews

Robyn needs a band

Robyn needs it spelled out that she's dumped

Robyn needs to make an album

Robyn needs to contend with male teasing

Robyn needs some love

Robyn needs to tear all these words to shreds.

puppy love

One day, I went to work, and there was Lucy. I think it was a Monday. She was in a cage, in my office. I said hello, and talked to her for a while, because no one else was there. I didn't know her name, but I spoke to her about who she was and why she was there. I told her she looked like a "Lucy".

I worked for a couple who had a business based out of their home, and when they arrived home, they informed me that they had gotten a new puppy over the weekend. They said they were thinking of naming her either Zoe or Lucy. And Lucy she became.

Bailey, their previous dog, was somewhat traumatized by Lucy's presence, and after the couple had their first child a couple years later, having two dogs became less feasible for them. I jokingly offered to take Lucy off their hands, but it turned out not to be a joke, and she came to live with me.

I didn't know what it meant, before, to be best friends with a dog. It probably sounded silly to me. But she's been too much of an important presence in my life to think her friendship is silly, now. She's comforted me in times of unbearable pain and solitude, she's forced me to think of someone other than myself in times of intense self-absorption, she's shared with me some of the most joyful moments of simplicity my life has known. She's my cohort. She's my nap buddy. She's begging me to pay attention to her rather than type.

where am i?

It's an undeniably strange thing to be in the life I'm in. Let's review:

• I'm 25.

• I'm a college sophomore at a small, friendly, residential school, thus I live on campus, in a dorm, completely submersed in college life.

• I used to be married, but now I'm divorced.

• I have a good amount of work experience and used to be pretty good with my finances back when I had an income and rent to pay. Now I have essentially no income and feel irresponsible with money. Most of my friends have only had part-time summer jobs and are still financially dependent on their parents.
  

• I'm in a relationship with a wonderful boyfriend (Adam) who I was close friends with in high school, so he's my age, but now out of college and working full time, like most people my age.

Lots of people go back to college in their mid 20's. That's no shocker. But most of them do it either by taking evening classes or commuting, not typically upturning their adult life and regressing back to being a full-time, dorm-dwelling, activity-involved, party-going college student.

On a daily basis, when I am going about my life, this doesn't get to me. I have many wonderful, accepting friends, so it doesn't stand out to me that I'm in a different place in life from them. But when things are quiet, when I'm alone, when my emotions feel screwed with, then I feel the conflict within my identity. I feel the dissonance between what I used to be and what I currently exist as.

Generally, Adam bridges this gap, helping me feel authentic, like I'm not faking being someone I'm not. With him in my life, I know I'm not just pretending the parts of my life between 1998-2004 never happened. He's the only person in my day-to-day life who knows me from my married days, who knew me before I came here, thus, I know I have some link to who I was/am. He's my reality check. My life feels balanced with him in it.

But somehow, when he comes into my college life, everything gets shaken up. It's like I can live in both worlds, but not at the same time. I can switch back and forth from college kid to mature adult in long-term relationship, but I can't be both at the same time.

I don't understand why this is. It's hard to be comfortable in a place of such dissonance.

Flat tires suck. New tires, however, kick ass.

For about three months my car has been vibrating when I drive, such that this morning I noticed that my thumb resting on the steering wheel would continuously shake back and forth about 3/4 of an inch. That's a really weird feeling. Last week, when Bobby was in the car with me, he said his favorite part about riding in my car was watching my arm jiggle as I held the steering wheel. I knew it had to do with the wheels, but I hadn't realized how worn my front passenger-side tire was (the wear was all on the inside of the tire, so it couldn't really be seen without removing the tire) until today, when it finally wore itself out completely. The tire even rolled off the rim, it was completely blown.

In the 9 years I've been a driver, I've been a passenger in cars that got flat tires, 7 times. This was the first time I had gotten a flat while driving.

Adam was close by, so he came and changed the flat and we went to get a new one, but all the tires were pretty worn so I got a whole new set of tires.

The amazing part is, though, that now, my car drives like new. It handles completely differently. I had such a nice drive home, I treated myself to a yummy dinner at Avesta's using off-campus food points when I got back to campus.


As a side note: I feel like I'm terrible at this whole blog thing. I have so much trouble keeping posts at a short, quickly-readable length. If you're reading this, kudos to you and your attention span. I thank you. Let me know if you have any advice for how to keep postings to a comfortable length.

fire tree

A couple days ago, I met with my academic adviser, who is also my choir director, Mr. Hiester. He has an office that is in the music building which overlooks a very nice courtyard-ish type area with several gorgeous trees. One of the trees in particular had exploded into a fantastic fiery orange. “I'll be honest,” he said to me. “Some mornings I come in to work, and I just stop at the window in the hallway there and stare at that tree with awe.”

It sounded like a scene from a film. I love hearing that other people get the wind knocked out of them from the shock of such beauty. I love learning of other people having quiet moments of deep appreciation for things around us that could so easily be overlooked and taken for granted.

Above is a picture of the same tree, only I took this photo about a week before it turned orange.