once upon a beach

This is what I'm really missing now.

Just before I started school in 2004, Adam and I got to take a vacation to explore the east coast. It was possibly the most carefree, stress-free, trouble-free week of my life. It was just freeing, in general. First, we stayed at his uncle's high-rise penthouse in downtown Boston with a rooftop view of the city skyline, taking the trolley tour of all the sights Boston has to see. Then we drove down the east coast, took the Cape May Ferry out of New Jersey, and headed to my grandma's and her sister's beach cottage in Bethany Beach, Delaware. A free, private cabin one block from the Atlantic Ocean. Enough said.

Life feels unbearable at the moment. Isn't that strange? I mean, despite all my longings to travel, I am so unbelievably content and happy with where I am in life. I had a fantastically beautiful weekend. Life, both from day to day and on the whole, is ideal. Other than the ageless problem of wanting more money, I can't think of anything I would change. Yet, I can't stand it.

I feel like fussing about all the things that other people could be doing to help me out. Yet, I'm doing nothing to help anyone else, other than trying to make them feel loved and cared for. And I guess that's it. I guess that's what I want. I want to feel valued; I want to not have to ask people to hang out with me or go somewhere with me, but rather have them invite me, have them come to me and say “hey, I want to spend time with you. I haven't been meeting my Robyn quota lately.” I feel like human relationships are so much work, and because it's mostly work that I greatly enjoy, sometimes I get to feeling like I'm the only one putting forth any effort in working at them.

What's worst of all about this problem is that I feel like I just have to keep quiet about it. Because as soon as you start complaining about being lonely, people turn off to you because you sound pitiful, and who wants a pitiful friend/lover/whatever. I am an optimist, and the curse that comes with being an optimist is that people come to expect that from you. You even expect it from yourself. As a result, if you're feeling down, you can get reallllllllly stuck, because you feel like people won't like you if you gripe and vent to them. I feel like I have a face to keep up and people to please, which is miserable, because authenticity is even more important to me. Most of the time my optimism is authentic, but right now I feel like I should just smile and be sweet and friendly and understanding of everybody despite the fact that I feel screwed and ignored and desperately sad, for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.

What thirst is it that feels unquenched? What more can I seek that I haven't already sought? What is it that I'm wanting that I don't have?

Oftentimes, I wonder if I take on stresses from other people. If I'm around people who are troubled, I become troubled for them because I so very much want to help them get through their troubles. What I really need is to figure out how to get through my own, how to get back that free feeling from that most memorable of vacations, without letting other people's troubles and stresses effect me so badly.