birthday girl

Yesterday was my 27th birthday.

This photo is from my 3rd birthday party. In the background, my grandfather (now deceased) on the left, and on the right, my grandmother, whom I saw this weekend (unfortunately, only a corner of her face is visible in this picture).

I'm still processing my birthday, and the new year, like I do every year. The whole passage-of-time-thing hits kind of hard some years. Words don't seem to be flowing very eloquently. Right now, I feel like I can relate to this picture better than any more current ones.

counting down

This is where I shall be spending the next 68 hours of my life. Not a bad place to spend it, but I must lock myself in my office/studio (I haven't decided whether to call it an office or a studio yet. "Studio" says- fun things happen here, "office" says- get to work! Both send valuable messages.) to study and write papers until 1:30 on Wednesday, when my last exam (French II) begins. (It's actually my only exam, but the papers I have to finish by Tuesday are the scariest part.) Two or three hours later, I'll be done with this most chaotic semester ever, and free to bake Christmas cookies and crochet scarves to my heart's content.

Just 68 hours to go.

finals week

Next week, for one of my final papers, I must turn in a portfolio of all that I have written in the class this semester, including a few things from youth and childhood, and write a retrospective essay on who I am as a writer as evidenced by the portfolio.

To prepare for the assignment, I have been rooting through boxes of childhood artwork and journals and such, trying to figure out who my writing self is, how I am different from when I was 10, how I am the same.

It's a somewhat overwhelming task, but fascinating to see that since age three (as noted in the image above), I have loved writing. Throughout my life, writing has been an essential form of expression for me.

As far as blogging everyday goes-- it seems doing anything everyday, especially during the last week of the semester, is just asking a bit much of me. But, writing more often was the goal, and writing more often is what I am doing.

pine-flavored chew toy

I missed a day yesterday, but my resolve is unwavering and I continue onward.

We have a Christmas tree! Last night, Adam and I trekked out into the dark evergreen wilderness (which is actually a nearby garden center) and brought home a lovely pine tree to place in the living room. Truman seems to believe this is a pine-flavored chew toy, and enjoys trying to drink the water from the stand.

Before buying the tree and after a tremendous deal of forethought, we picked out some ornaments to put on our first Christmas tree. (This is our first Christmas living together.) We had a few ornaments of our own already, but it was fun to pick out some to start a collection together.

Also, after a life long search, I have finally found the perfect stocking. I've never been very fond of the cookie-cutter ones most stores have, with the stiffness and the cheap-o fuzzy fabric. At the craft store, I found the perfect, soft knit stockings... and they were half-off!

I am getting more excited about Christmas this year than I have in years.

making things

I am coming out of a deep pit of frustration. A week or two ago, I was feeling as though I work at a non-stop pace, without ever having a satisfying outcome, without a sense of accomplishment.

This weekend, the chaplain's office is holding a bazaar to raise money for all the spring and summer mission teams. Since I am on the Northern Ireland team, I had to make something to sell. These are the results of my efforts.

Until I sat down to work on the project, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I made anything by hand. As a kid, craft projects were my favorite thing to do (besides singing and playing with animals), but it had been so long since I had time for anything like this, I forgot how satisfying it can be.

Why do I do this? I forget, even sometime avoid, the things that make me most happy, that make me feel the deepest accomplishment, because somehow they seem frivolous. I've fought this battle before, and I thought I had gotten through it. I know that creativity is what fuels me, what keeps me afloat in the sea of everyday chaos, what reminds me of who I am. Yet somehow, I forget to put it into practice.

It was nice to have a reminder.

craftiness

I have been making jewelry this evening, and it feels so good to be doing something crafty that I feel pleased with. Pictures to follow.

Wow, in many ways I cannot wait until this semester is over. It has been a crazy one!

beauty

My friends Phil and Allie in Pittsburgh posted this video that blew me away the more I thought about it. It's part of Dove's campaign for real beauty. This may be old news to people who have TVs, but since we are (thankfully) TVless here at my house, it's new to me.

still determined, despite having already failed

Technically, I have failed. It is after midnight, so technically, I already missed day 2. But, since I haven't yet gone to bed, I tend to consider it still the same day. (excuses, excuses...) But seriously, I'm not daunted, even by this initial failure.

Today was a fabulous day of thought and productivity. I am finally mostly caught up with the work I've been behind on for about three weeks. This accomplishment does more than just lift a weight from my shoulders, it reminds me that I do, actually, have the ability to accomplish things. It's the first time I've had that reminder in a while.

Plus, I spent three hours engaged in deep conversation with friends at Panera this afternoon. I needed that, today. I need that more often.

Finally, for the past two weeks, I've been having weird, unpleasant, disturbing dreams every night. Thankfully, on Friday night, the trend was broken when I dreamt that Adam and I were househunting in Ireland. We came upon a house by the ocean, and upon taking a little raft out into the water we came upon two dolphins and a penguin, because you know how Ireland has all those penguins. I used to have swimming-with-dolphin dreams quite regularly, but it had been a while, so I was ecstatic to have the dolphins come back into my nighttime journeys. Not sure where the penguin came from, but hey, I'm just glad he wasn't The Penguin, because that would have probably made the dream a little disturbing.

This is an actual photograph I took in my dream. (Well, our 2004 trip to the east coast seems like a dream...)

blogging every day anyway

One month left of 2006. Perfect time to make an Old Years Resolution. I hereby resolve-- because damnit, I don't have enough to do already-- to post EVERYDAY on this blog, throughout the month of December. I missed National Novel Writing Month (read here about some participants) and National Blog Posting Month, at least, I missed the beginnings of these months (suspiciously both within the same month) and thus ignored them almost completely until now. But I am slowly becoming more disciplined about my writing, and this seems the perfect way to help that along, despite the fact that I pretty much missed the boat everyone else was on. (As my mom told me over the phone on Thanksgiving, I always did march to my own drum-beat anyway.)

So, get ready. And feel free to post all the encouraging comments you can dream up. I'll need all the support I can get!

p.s. and please ignore the fact that I already missed the first day of December. I didn't think of this until this morning! :)

the new guy

It has been quite some time since I've updated. But have a good excuse... I've been overwhelmed with happiness and love for life. I've also been very busy with two writing courses and with reading short stories and learning french. Writing for leisure just hasn't been in the cards lately.

I realized that I couldn't go another day, however, without sharing the joy of our newest family member. Truman has lived with us for going on two months now. Adam and I missed Lucy's presence so much, and while no dog could take her place, raising a new puppy has brought us unmatched joy. He's a 5-1/2 month old shih tzu, and is a bundle of such furry sweetness.

Here they are, my two boys. What could be cuter?

the speed of summer

apparently, my blogging goes in waves. I update a bunch, then I don't update for a month. I start to update daily for a week, then I completely poop out on the whole thing. I guess that's just how my energy ebbs and flows in summer. Right now, I'm feeling sporadic. My writing may reflect this.

Adam and I found a new park to hike at. We liked it so much we went back again the next day and took pictures.

I'm also getting settled in to my office. I am so happy to have a workspace to myself for the first time in so long. We've planted flowers and are having such a fantastic time in this new house. I love summer.

...although... I am itching for people to come back to campus. It is quite lonely around here. I am keeping my mind active, having checked out a huge pile of books from the library. Currently, I'm reading Kerouac's "On the Road" because it's one of those cultural essentials. But I miss having people around all the time to talk to and to discuss the secrets of life with.

I have two friends who are currently in Northern Ireland, working at Corrymeela reconciliation center, where I hope to go next summer for 10 days. Check out their blogs.

mariangoestoireland
hosinireland

t u e s d a y : : b l u e

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w (one more)

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w

Yellow is an appropriate color today, because today I am doing a project for work that involves many yellow post-its and many yellow highlights. I have to enter hundreds and hundreds of names into a database, and seeing as how it is very monotonous , I am more than happy to focus on pretty colors. I'm also glad I get to work at home in my own office, at my own pace.

It was Andrea's idea (she's my blogging hero yet again) to continue the color party that started some time ago. It's perfect timing for me, so I don't mind to be lagging behind all these other folks.

Join in the coloriness:

monday: yellow
tuesday: blue/turquoise
wednesday: green
thursday: white or brown or black
friday: orange
saturday: red or purple or pink

getting it

(Sorry for the lack of photos. Blogger is being annoying and not letting me post an image.)


I'm coming out of an overwhelmed confusion. My thoughts feel so abstract and intangible. Within a month, I've gone from living in a dorm having no idea where I would be living for the summer, much less for the next two years, to staying in a homeless shelter for ten days, to living in my very own house with my very own boyfriend and our very own furniture. I've gone from wishing I had a home, to experiencing life free of possessions, to being completely centered around material needs. “We need silverware, we need salt and pepper, we need book shelves, we need a couch...” is the kind of thinking I've come back to, after a week of talking with people who live on the benches next to the fountain in front of Union Station, hearing them talk of the struggle to find shelter when it rains.

I waver from moment to moment between being driven to get things done around the house and being completely paralyzed. I haven't written here for a while, partly because of how abstract my thoughts are, and partly because I think to myself “if I write, I'm keeping myself from something else I should be doing.” I feel guilty for indulging myself.

But then the words come back to me, of the pastor at the church we attended Sunday of our trip.

“I don't apologize for what I have, because I know what I went through to get it.”

...and that combines in my mind with the words of Mr. Burton who runs the shelter we stayed at. Nobody wants you to feel ashamed for what you have. Just share it.

As I look at paint samples to decide what color to paint the living room, and pick out a comfy reading chair for my office, I remind myself that feeling guilty for what I have won't help me help anyone. Creating a beautiful life that motivates me to see the beauty everywhere will.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Stella Adler

deep breath

It's been hard to reflect because of the things that have been happening this past month, most of which I was completely unprepared for.

- I took Lucy to the vet a couple weeks ago, thinking she was having digestive problems. As it turned out, she was severely anemic, and her abdominal and chest cavities had filled with fluid so she was unable to take air into her lungs. The vet suspected she had cancer. It was a complete shock to us, but it was recommended that we allow her to be put to sleep that day. I've never made such a painful decision. Both Adam and I were able to be there with her as she was put to rest painlessly and peacefully, which we were thankful for. I can't think about it anymore right now. There have been many tears.

You can read about how Lucy came into my life here, and see Adam's Mascot Monday tributes to her here, here, here, and here.

- I traveled to Washington DC with 12 other people from campus, on a trip called "Crossroads of the Powerful and the Powerless." We lived in the world's largest homeless shelter for 10 days, working and getting to know the residents and volunteers (who are also residents). In the afternoons, we would venture to Capitol Hill to meet with state representatives and tour the buildings from which our country is managed. We discussed issues of power, wealth and faith with each other and with those we met everywhere from the street to the Capitol. It was an unforgettable experience. I'm still processing all that happened.

- Adam and I have moved into our new home. We just got our internet connection hooked up on Saturday, and my computer is being worked on so I have to use Adam's. But we're getting settled in, taking it one room at a time. It feels lonely without Lucy, but we're happy to be with each other. This is our first home together, and so far we're having a great time making it ours.

m.i.a.

You may have noticed I've been missing in action for a while. Things have been just a little crazy. But I've made it through the worst of it (I think). The wedding went well. I finished up classes. I went to Anaheim, CA. I made it through finals. And... at the last possible second, in a whirlwind of syncronicity, I found a house for me and Adam to rent. It's such a huge stress lifted off my shoulders, and I am already thinking of how I'm going to decorate. It's a big old house with wood floors and a nice back yard. I just found it yesterday, signed the lease this morning, and we move in this weekend! I haven't had a chance to even take pictures yet, but they'll be up soon enough.

Sorry if this post is a little overly-enthusiastic. I'm a bit high energy right now, having been so stressed out for so long about so many different things, and then having all that stress seemingly lifted at once. I think I actually qualify right now as being giddy.

photobooth friday - marriage week edition

(Me and Adam on the left, Summer and James on the right)

Tomorrow is the big day.

James and Summer are getting married tomorrow. Adam is getting a little nervous about his officiating role, but we have a long car ride ahead of us today, during which he is going to run through all his “lines” and work out the kinks.

Adam and I had a long conversation last night about an issue we had some disagreement about. It reminded me of all the work that marriage is... but of how rewarding it can be when you've worked things out. The discussion was a growing experience. He and I decided early on that the “mission” of our relationship is to help each other grow. If we aren't doing that, we aren't doing each other any good being together.

And what a growing experience this wedding has been for us! We're not even the ones getting married, yet we've both been forced to really think sincerely about what marriage means to us. Adam and I have actually suggested/chosen the words Summer and James are using to make their vows to each other. Since we're not married, it's given us a chance to really reflect on what we think marriage should be.

But yesterday, when the four of us went to the mall to get these pictures taken two days before the wedding, it wasn't about the social construct of marriage. It was just about four friends who've helped each other through the transitions from college to adulthood (or, in my case, adulthood to college). Two couples who've been unsure of themselves at times, but who've pulled through all those difficulties and, when it comes down to it, just have fun together.

From the photos, it may not appear that we've acclimated to adulthood all that well. But I'm ok with that.

Many thanks to Andrea for thinking up photobooth friday. I wouldn't have thought to visit the photobooth right before their wedding without it, and we all had such a fun and memorable time.

More about photobooth friday here and here.

- marriage week - day 3

(Photo was taken a year after I got married by a friend who was studying photography.
She is now, incidentally, dating my ex.)

Marriage is a decision. A commitment.

I used to believe that marriage is about love, but I no longer believe that to be necessarily true.

I shared this thought with Adam yesterday, and he thought it sounded cold and depressing... and I agreed. But when you get down to it, that's what marriage is. An agreement. A decision. A commitment.

There are two funny myths about marriage.

Myth #1: Once you get married, everything changes.

Myth #2: Once you get married, nothing changes.

Does a soirée involving a white dress, some rings, and a cake change everything? Of course not. Once married, you are still the same two people, the same couple. But what often changes are expectations, both from the two lovers and from the rest of the world. Suddenly, you are expected to get joint bank accounts, to file your taxes together (happy belated tax day, by the way!), to spend holidays together, to not attend family gatherings partnerless, to have children, to agree on stuff.

And sometimes, one of you holds expectations about the roles you both should play-- sometimes without realizing that you hold that expectation. She expects that he will always have a job. He expects that she won't have a social life without him. Or about characteristics based on your parents' relationship: he expects that she will nag him, she expects that he won't respect her freedom.

The key, I think, is to be clear on what this commitment means to both of you before entering into it, what meanings you attach to the idea of "marriage", from day to day behavior to the role this person plays in the grand scheme of your life... and to realize that some of those meanings or expectations may be unrealistic.

The relationship that makes up a marriage and the marriage itself are really, if you think about it, two entirely separate entities. I have seen married couples who don't have much of a relationship by my standards, yet their marriage is going strong. And I have seen couples with a strong and powerful relationship whose marriages don't work out, or don't even exist.

Perhaps it is important to understand this, to really think about how marriage relates to your relationship, and to honestly rank one as a priority over the other. To my ex, and initially to me, marriage was more important that our relationship. He would have rather stayed married in an unhappy relationship than be close but no longer married. But I came to want a healthy relationship more than an strong marriage. And I think he, too, now values that we still have a friendship more than resents the fact that we got divorced.

I am sure there are people who disagree, but I at least think it is an interesting idea. Which is more important to you? A happy relationship, or a lifelong marriage? If you had to choose one without the other, which would it be?

– marriage week – day 2

What to me is an ideal marriage?

1. It adapts to fit both our lives. It changes with the times and the years and circumstances.

How terribly Gen X does that make me sound? Expecting that the timeless institution of MARRIAGE should change to fit my life? How selfish does it make me to expect that in committing my life to a partner, that partner should adapt to my needs...

But no, wait. That isn't what I'm saying. I'm not saying that the other person is supposed to conform to whatever are my wants and desires. I'm saying that the relationship should reflect us as we both change and grow.

Let's say I'm married, and there is a time when we both have great opportunities to work in jobs that are in different cities. Maybe one of us feels that the opportunity is not worth being apart. But maybe we both want to see what we can learn from the experiences, so one of us moves, and the other stays, and we see how it works. But we still love each other, and we're still committed to each other, and we still want to be together in the long run.

2. We want to be together. We enjoy spending time together. We can be sitting in a car together, talking or not talking, and still enjoying each other's company. We can be working through painful or difficult problems, but we're working through them because afterward, we want to come out stronger and closer.

3. We respect each other. We don't habitually make jokes at the other's expense, to friends, family, or to each other. We are both willing to do our share of work, and willing to take on extra when the other is stressed. But we communicate when we need help, rather than being passive aggressive, or trying to take on too much.

4. We can seek counseling together if things are going wrong, rather than letting things deteriorate. We act on this before it is too late. In times of extreme difficulty, we would both make fixing the problems in our marriage our first priority, with equal effort on both sides. We are be able to forgive each other.

5. We respect each other's interests. I will have interests that my partner doesn't share, but he shouldn't resent or make fun of those interests, rather he should delight in my enthusiasm for things that add variety to both our lives. Likewise, my partner will have interests that I don't share, but he must have the space to enjoy them, and I should support him and appreciate that he is a different person from me. Also, we would pursue some interests together.

6. We find the balance between freedom and commitment. We encourage each other to be individuals, to have alone time, to have social time with other friends. But we don't neglect to spend quality time together regularly.

7. We travel regularly together.

8. It is a timeless friendship, full of laughter, good memories, and closeness. We are a comfort to each other. We appreciate each other, and communicate openly. We learn each other.

9. We are very attracted to each other, making sure to let each other know this openly. We enjoy both quiet physical closeness and crazyintensewildfabulouspassion, depending on our mood.

10. We do things for each other to make everyday life more fun, like leaving notes for each other, surprising each other, and being playful.