getting it

(Sorry for the lack of photos. Blogger is being annoying and not letting me post an image.)


I'm coming out of an overwhelmed confusion. My thoughts feel so abstract and intangible. Within a month, I've gone from living in a dorm having no idea where I would be living for the summer, much less for the next two years, to staying in a homeless shelter for ten days, to living in my very own house with my very own boyfriend and our very own furniture. I've gone from wishing I had a home, to experiencing life free of possessions, to being completely centered around material needs. “We need silverware, we need salt and pepper, we need book shelves, we need a couch...” is the kind of thinking I've come back to, after a week of talking with people who live on the benches next to the fountain in front of Union Station, hearing them talk of the struggle to find shelter when it rains.

I waver from moment to moment between being driven to get things done around the house and being completely paralyzed. I haven't written here for a while, partly because of how abstract my thoughts are, and partly because I think to myself “if I write, I'm keeping myself from something else I should be doing.” I feel guilty for indulging myself.

But then the words come back to me, of the pastor at the church we attended Sunday of our trip.

“I don't apologize for what I have, because I know what I went through to get it.”

...and that combines in my mind with the words of Mr. Burton who runs the shelter we stayed at. Nobody wants you to feel ashamed for what you have. Just share it.

As I look at paint samples to decide what color to paint the living room, and pick out a comfy reading chair for my office, I remind myself that feeling guilty for what I have won't help me help anyone. Creating a beautiful life that motivates me to see the beauty everywhere will.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Stella Adler