difficulty

hmm. this overhaul is going to take longer than I thought.

overhaul

It is time for some renovating around here. I have been neglecting you, oh blog. Life has overwhelmed me this past year, mostly not in the best of ways. But I'm coming through it all with a new perspective, and more changes are on the way that I want to enjoy and explore. I am changing worlds. New surroundings, new people, new activities. It's going to be interesting.

"Not the fruit of experience, but experience itself, is the end."
- Walter Pater

Northern Ireland

I'm back in America, back at home. It's weird having to adjust to being at home.

I find myself missing the city. I live in a lovely small town, and I really like it here, but there's something about exploring cities that now I'm suffering withdrawal from. First it was Belfast, then Dublin, then D.C. all in the span of 2 weeks. I'm adjusting to the slower pace now, the isolation, to things being more spread out. No more subways and trains. No more rainy European streets. No more national history down the block. I'm not sure I can even pinpoint what exactly it is that I miss. Those things don't quite capture the essence of what I miss.



I miss the country side, too. The ocean being out the back door. Fields of sheep and gravel roads winding through the hills. The nearest shop being a 45 minute walk along the coastal road, past the ruins of the friary left over from the late 1400s.

I have a lot of issues on my mind. I'm overwhelmed with the world's problems. Pollution and poverty, war and hunger, justice and peace... I've been asked to speak about my trip to Ireland in church on Sunday, probably for 3-5 minutes, and I don't know how to condense it. I'm too overwhelmed.

The biggest thing, maybe, is that beauty and ugliness are so often right up next to each other. Like the peace walls, put up in Belfast to keep Catholic and Protestant neighborhoods from fighting with each other. They have graffiti all over them, and you'd see a handwritten message of love right up next to a spray painted swastika. You have Christianity, the main tenet of which is supposed to be love and compassion, widespread throughout the country, yet, this history of killing and violence because they can't agree on what kind of Christianity to follow. You have this beautiful, peaceful landscape, and all this razor wire everywhere.

And somehow, even they can agree that the U.S. needs to stop killing people.

(Graffiti like this was all over the place in Belfast-- on nearly every other block.)

speechless

I have never meant for this to be a political blog. I've always tried very hard to ignore the world of politics and stick to things in my own sphere of control. But lately, that's getting harder and harder.

After reading this article (from a biased source, obviously, but still), I just don't know what to do anymore (not that this is the first time I've found myself fed up with the direction our country seems to be going). In quick summary, according to the article by Matt Taibbi (who I've never read before, and who writes for Rolling Stone, a publication for which I have essentially no respect, so take it with a grain of salt), President Bush has proposed a 2008 federal budget that would:

- save the Walton family (of Wal-Mart fame) about $32.7 billion dollars in taxes over the next ten years, while cutting $28 billion from Medicaid over the same time frame.

- save the heirs to the Mars candy corporation $11.7 billion in taxes while cutting $3.4 billion from the VA budget. (Although, I'm finding additional information about this on the VAIW website, saying "the GOP is planning to cut $15 billion from the veteran programs over the next 10 years.")

- save the Cox family (of Cox cable TV) $9.7 billion in taxes, while cutting the education budget by $1.5 billion.

- save the Nordstrom family (of Nordstrom dept. stores) $826.5 million in taxes while cutting Community Service Block Grants budget by $630 million.

- save the Ernest Gallo family (of the "largest winemaker in the world") $468.4 million in taxes while cutting funds from LIHEAP (heating oil to poor) by $420 million

- save the family of former Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond, about $164 million in tax breaks while eliminating the Commodity Supplemental Food Program, cutting $108 million over ten years from the budget. The program sent one bag of groceries per month to 480,000 seniors, mothers and newborn children.

I have so many thoughts on this, but I just don't know what to say.

I want to note that the article makes some attacks about unimportant news that has been amazingly overshadowing these issues, and while I don't condone the fact that the author makes personal attacks and resorts to lots of name-calling at celebrities that have been in the news lately, I can't say I blame him for getting worked up about these figures.

That's all I can say about this. If you care, leave a comment.

birthday girl

Yesterday was my 27th birthday.

This photo is from my 3rd birthday party. In the background, my grandfather (now deceased) on the left, and on the right, my grandmother, whom I saw this weekend (unfortunately, only a corner of her face is visible in this picture).

I'm still processing my birthday, and the new year, like I do every year. The whole passage-of-time-thing hits kind of hard some years. Words don't seem to be flowing very eloquently. Right now, I feel like I can relate to this picture better than any more current ones.

counting down

This is where I shall be spending the next 68 hours of my life. Not a bad place to spend it, but I must lock myself in my office/studio (I haven't decided whether to call it an office or a studio yet. "Studio" says- fun things happen here, "office" says- get to work! Both send valuable messages.) to study and write papers until 1:30 on Wednesday, when my last exam (French II) begins. (It's actually my only exam, but the papers I have to finish by Tuesday are the scariest part.) Two or three hours later, I'll be done with this most chaotic semester ever, and free to bake Christmas cookies and crochet scarves to my heart's content.

Just 68 hours to go.

finals week

Next week, for one of my final papers, I must turn in a portfolio of all that I have written in the class this semester, including a few things from youth and childhood, and write a retrospective essay on who I am as a writer as evidenced by the portfolio.

To prepare for the assignment, I have been rooting through boxes of childhood artwork and journals and such, trying to figure out who my writing self is, how I am different from when I was 10, how I am the same.

It's a somewhat overwhelming task, but fascinating to see that since age three (as noted in the image above), I have loved writing. Throughout my life, writing has been an essential form of expression for me.

As far as blogging everyday goes-- it seems doing anything everyday, especially during the last week of the semester, is just asking a bit much of me. But, writing more often was the goal, and writing more often is what I am doing.

pine-flavored chew toy

I missed a day yesterday, but my resolve is unwavering and I continue onward.

We have a Christmas tree! Last night, Adam and I trekked out into the dark evergreen wilderness (which is actually a nearby garden center) and brought home a lovely pine tree to place in the living room. Truman seems to believe this is a pine-flavored chew toy, and enjoys trying to drink the water from the stand.

Before buying the tree and after a tremendous deal of forethought, we picked out some ornaments to put on our first Christmas tree. (This is our first Christmas living together.) We had a few ornaments of our own already, but it was fun to pick out some to start a collection together.

Also, after a life long search, I have finally found the perfect stocking. I've never been very fond of the cookie-cutter ones most stores have, with the stiffness and the cheap-o fuzzy fabric. At the craft store, I found the perfect, soft knit stockings... and they were half-off!

I am getting more excited about Christmas this year than I have in years.

making things

I am coming out of a deep pit of frustration. A week or two ago, I was feeling as though I work at a non-stop pace, without ever having a satisfying outcome, without a sense of accomplishment.

This weekend, the chaplain's office is holding a bazaar to raise money for all the spring and summer mission teams. Since I am on the Northern Ireland team, I had to make something to sell. These are the results of my efforts.

Until I sat down to work on the project, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I made anything by hand. As a kid, craft projects were my favorite thing to do (besides singing and playing with animals), but it had been so long since I had time for anything like this, I forgot how satisfying it can be.

Why do I do this? I forget, even sometime avoid, the things that make me most happy, that make me feel the deepest accomplishment, because somehow they seem frivolous. I've fought this battle before, and I thought I had gotten through it. I know that creativity is what fuels me, what keeps me afloat in the sea of everyday chaos, what reminds me of who I am. Yet somehow, I forget to put it into practice.

It was nice to have a reminder.

craftiness

I have been making jewelry this evening, and it feels so good to be doing something crafty that I feel pleased with. Pictures to follow.

Wow, in many ways I cannot wait until this semester is over. It has been a crazy one!

beauty

My friends Phil and Allie in Pittsburgh posted this video that blew me away the more I thought about it. It's part of Dove's campaign for real beauty. This may be old news to people who have TVs, but since we are (thankfully) TVless here at my house, it's new to me.

still determined, despite having already failed

Technically, I have failed. It is after midnight, so technically, I already missed day 2. But, since I haven't yet gone to bed, I tend to consider it still the same day. (excuses, excuses...) But seriously, I'm not daunted, even by this initial failure.

Today was a fabulous day of thought and productivity. I am finally mostly caught up with the work I've been behind on for about three weeks. This accomplishment does more than just lift a weight from my shoulders, it reminds me that I do, actually, have the ability to accomplish things. It's the first time I've had that reminder in a while.

Plus, I spent three hours engaged in deep conversation with friends at Panera this afternoon. I needed that, today. I need that more often.

Finally, for the past two weeks, I've been having weird, unpleasant, disturbing dreams every night. Thankfully, on Friday night, the trend was broken when I dreamt that Adam and I were househunting in Ireland. We came upon a house by the ocean, and upon taking a little raft out into the water we came upon two dolphins and a penguin, because you know how Ireland has all those penguins. I used to have swimming-with-dolphin dreams quite regularly, but it had been a while, so I was ecstatic to have the dolphins come back into my nighttime journeys. Not sure where the penguin came from, but hey, I'm just glad he wasn't The Penguin, because that would have probably made the dream a little disturbing.

This is an actual photograph I took in my dream. (Well, our 2004 trip to the east coast seems like a dream...)

blogging every day anyway

One month left of 2006. Perfect time to make an Old Years Resolution. I hereby resolve-- because damnit, I don't have enough to do already-- to post EVERYDAY on this blog, throughout the month of December. I missed National Novel Writing Month (read here about some participants) and National Blog Posting Month, at least, I missed the beginnings of these months (suspiciously both within the same month) and thus ignored them almost completely until now. But I am slowly becoming more disciplined about my writing, and this seems the perfect way to help that along, despite the fact that I pretty much missed the boat everyone else was on. (As my mom told me over the phone on Thanksgiving, I always did march to my own drum-beat anyway.)

So, get ready. And feel free to post all the encouraging comments you can dream up. I'll need all the support I can get!

p.s. and please ignore the fact that I already missed the first day of December. I didn't think of this until this morning! :)

the new guy

It has been quite some time since I've updated. But have a good excuse... I've been overwhelmed with happiness and love for life. I've also been very busy with two writing courses and with reading short stories and learning french. Writing for leisure just hasn't been in the cards lately.

I realized that I couldn't go another day, however, without sharing the joy of our newest family member. Truman has lived with us for going on two months now. Adam and I missed Lucy's presence so much, and while no dog could take her place, raising a new puppy has brought us unmatched joy. He's a 5-1/2 month old shih tzu, and is a bundle of such furry sweetness.

Here they are, my two boys. What could be cuter?

the speed of summer

apparently, my blogging goes in waves. I update a bunch, then I don't update for a month. I start to update daily for a week, then I completely poop out on the whole thing. I guess that's just how my energy ebbs and flows in summer. Right now, I'm feeling sporadic. My writing may reflect this.

Adam and I found a new park to hike at. We liked it so much we went back again the next day and took pictures.

I'm also getting settled in to my office. I am so happy to have a workspace to myself for the first time in so long. We've planted flowers and are having such a fantastic time in this new house. I love summer.

...although... I am itching for people to come back to campus. It is quite lonely around here. I am keeping my mind active, having checked out a huge pile of books from the library. Currently, I'm reading Kerouac's "On the Road" because it's one of those cultural essentials. But I miss having people around all the time to talk to and to discuss the secrets of life with.

I have two friends who are currently in Northern Ireland, working at Corrymeela reconciliation center, where I hope to go next summer for 10 days. Check out their blogs.

mariangoestoireland
hosinireland

t u e s d a y : : b l u e

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w (one more)

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w

Yellow is an appropriate color today, because today I am doing a project for work that involves many yellow post-its and many yellow highlights. I have to enter hundreds and hundreds of names into a database, and seeing as how it is very monotonous , I am more than happy to focus on pretty colors. I'm also glad I get to work at home in my own office, at my own pace.

It was Andrea's idea (she's my blogging hero yet again) to continue the color party that started some time ago. It's perfect timing for me, so I don't mind to be lagging behind all these other folks.

Join in the coloriness:

monday: yellow
tuesday: blue/turquoise
wednesday: green
thursday: white or brown or black
friday: orange
saturday: red or purple or pink

getting it

(Sorry for the lack of photos. Blogger is being annoying and not letting me post an image.)


I'm coming out of an overwhelmed confusion. My thoughts feel so abstract and intangible. Within a month, I've gone from living in a dorm having no idea where I would be living for the summer, much less for the next two years, to staying in a homeless shelter for ten days, to living in my very own house with my very own boyfriend and our very own furniture. I've gone from wishing I had a home, to experiencing life free of possessions, to being completely centered around material needs. “We need silverware, we need salt and pepper, we need book shelves, we need a couch...” is the kind of thinking I've come back to, after a week of talking with people who live on the benches next to the fountain in front of Union Station, hearing them talk of the struggle to find shelter when it rains.

I waver from moment to moment between being driven to get things done around the house and being completely paralyzed. I haven't written here for a while, partly because of how abstract my thoughts are, and partly because I think to myself “if I write, I'm keeping myself from something else I should be doing.” I feel guilty for indulging myself.

But then the words come back to me, of the pastor at the church we attended Sunday of our trip.

“I don't apologize for what I have, because I know what I went through to get it.”

...and that combines in my mind with the words of Mr. Burton who runs the shelter we stayed at. Nobody wants you to feel ashamed for what you have. Just share it.

As I look at paint samples to decide what color to paint the living room, and pick out a comfy reading chair for my office, I remind myself that feeling guilty for what I have won't help me help anyone. Creating a beautiful life that motivates me to see the beauty everywhere will.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Stella Adler

deep breath

It's been hard to reflect because of the things that have been happening this past month, most of which I was completely unprepared for.

- I took Lucy to the vet a couple weeks ago, thinking she was having digestive problems. As it turned out, she was severely anemic, and her abdominal and chest cavities had filled with fluid so she was unable to take air into her lungs. The vet suspected she had cancer. It was a complete shock to us, but it was recommended that we allow her to be put to sleep that day. I've never made such a painful decision. Both Adam and I were able to be there with her as she was put to rest painlessly and peacefully, which we were thankful for. I can't think about it anymore right now. There have been many tears.

You can read about how Lucy came into my life here, and see Adam's Mascot Monday tributes to her here, here, here, and here.

- I traveled to Washington DC with 12 other people from campus, on a trip called "Crossroads of the Powerful and the Powerless." We lived in the world's largest homeless shelter for 10 days, working and getting to know the residents and volunteers (who are also residents). In the afternoons, we would venture to Capitol Hill to meet with state representatives and tour the buildings from which our country is managed. We discussed issues of power, wealth and faith with each other and with those we met everywhere from the street to the Capitol. It was an unforgettable experience. I'm still processing all that happened.

- Adam and I have moved into our new home. We just got our internet connection hooked up on Saturday, and my computer is being worked on so I have to use Adam's. But we're getting settled in, taking it one room at a time. It feels lonely without Lucy, but we're happy to be with each other. This is our first home together, and so far we're having a great time making it ours.