Adam's roommates, James and Summer, are getting married next weekend. He and I are somewhat centrally involved in the festivities, as Adam is officiating the ceremony and I am helping coordinate many details (I have both been to and been involved in many weddings in the past, including, of course, my own). I will write more about the details of that later.
Right now I am thinking about what exactly marriage is. I have quite the love/hate sort of relationship with weddings. I think weddings are beautiful. I love the idea of planning a big party for two people who love each other, and celebrating who they are together that they wouldn't be on their own. But I also fear the life after that, the potential stagnancy, the inflexibility of a bond that is so differently defined any given year by any given couple, yet expected to be so consistent.
This is kind of a big issue in my life, for a couple reasons. First, I used to be married, and am now divorced. The promise I made, in front of God and my family and friends, to love and be with my husband no matter what he did or said, no matter if he was sick or healthy, no matter if we were rich or poor...I chose to break it.
What happened that I didn't account for was not so much how he changed, but how I changed. I was 18 when I committed my 30-year-old and 40-year-old and 65-year-old selves to that marriage, and by the time I had become just my 23-year-old self, I could see that I had fooled myself. At 18, I believed I had reached my full potential, I knew all I needed to know about myself and about the world and about relationships. I knew what my parents had done wrong with me, and why I was the way I was. And to be fair, I probably knew myself better than the average 18-year-old knows themselves. But I thought I had reached the end. I thought I was as good as I was going to get.
Obviously, my illusion slowly shattered. As I experienced the intense personal questioning that comes on during what is most people's college years, I kept finding my mind blocked because I was in a bond that was too small for me and that couldn't grow or change. I agonized over the decision for over a year, but eventually, the five year marriage came to an end, and a wonderful (and much more natural-feeling) friendship with my ex has blossomed in its place.
The second reason I often try to make sense of marriage is that I am now in love, and ponder perhaps getting married in the future. But I waver back and forth on what this would mean, what would be my motives, what difference marriage would make.
Therefore, I hereby proclaim this to be – Marriage Week – here at borrowedmuse. My blogging during this week leading up to James & Summer's wedding shall be committed to the topic of marriage, in an attempt to discover what exactly it all means. I encourage those of you who read but don't comment (because I know you're there) to take this opportunity to comment often. Your thoughts will be quite welcome.
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