brooding and being

I live in Cincinnati. I have never lived in a place that I felt actually suited my personality before now. Today, I thought about this. And I thought about what happened seven years ago today. I watched a speech by Michelle Obama. I played music. And I laughed.

And now, I am writing. Because I love life and I am broken hearted. This is my time and my place. Will I fall in love? Will I have my heart crushed again? Will the cracks already in place, clean cuts that have been haphazardly taped and glued together so I look like I'm coping, will they split and shatter irreparably? Will the fragile hope I have be betrayed. Will I watch all that I love and believe in disappoint me again? Or will I, will we all, rebuild? Will we take the crumbled walls and joyfully make new ones from the rubble? Responsibly, thoughtfully, lovingly... Will we celebrate that not all is lost, or will we lose all? I am a person who wants to see change in my life, in my mind, in the world, in the people around me, in those I've lost or let go of. Government can only change so much; it will always be corrupt, but it can be better than evil and merely self-serving. People I love, who used to be family, they don't believe the same things I believe. They value the safety of suburbia, their own happiness over the collective happiness. I understand; I do. You have children and you feel the need to protect them above all other people. This is one reason I prefer not to have kids, to not be distracted from what is right for the world in favor of what is right for the people that came from my belly. If no one has come from my belly, I can remain more objective. That is, if I am not in love. This is where I am and what I think. This is where I fit in, today. Tomorrow, who knows. Today, romantic love is imperfect, it is attachment and confusion. Unfortunate, because I miss it. Shall I stay alone, on my own, sleeping next to no one? Does it mute my passion to have my passion quenched?

i am here

It has been a while, because I have been moving to a new city.

I am here now, feeling new ground beneath my feet, learning to be alone sometimes in a huge house; although I will be living with 5 people when everyone gets moved in, they are only here periodically for now. I feel a little like a five-year-old walking around the house in my dad's work shoes, scooting and tripping. Meanwhile, strange, surprising, unexpected things are unfolding... not the things I need, like a perfect job and a reasonable amount of money, but the things I had decided to hide from. Music and love and stuff-- the kind of things that make a person ache.

"sometimes I feel so all alone
here in this city I call my home"
- over the rhine

life after graduation - day 3

"Writing is good for many things, but curing loneliness isn't one of them."
- Ann Patchett


Most of my friends have left town. I am downing oolong tea like whiskey. This is going to be a long month.

today I graduated

Just 10 years after graduating from high school, too.

Not sure what to think about it. Here's about all I can manage to say:

In honor of all I have and haven't learned in college, and of all I'm still trying to figure out...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Cardigans/_/Live+and+Learn

This song makes me dance hard, till I'm dizzy and out of breath. And it takes a lot to get me to dance.

still working

Well, I'm slowly working out the kinks, but I'm happy with how things are coming along. I have been feasting on words and images to feed my head with beauty. I am writing a story, and arranging a violin part. I am assembling a slide show of many people's baby photos. I am doing things.

And there are other things I am not doing. I am avoiding things just as often as I am doing them. I mowed today when I also should have been writing a 12 page paper. I did housework Friday when I should have been tying up the loose ends before graduation and registering for my summer school class. I am doing this when I should be taking the dog to the dog park.

But I'm catching up. It's not enough, but it's something.

difficulty

hmm. this overhaul is going to take longer than I thought.

overhaul

It is time for some renovating around here. I have been neglecting you, oh blog. Life has overwhelmed me this past year, mostly not in the best of ways. But I'm coming through it all with a new perspective, and more changes are on the way that I want to enjoy and explore. I am changing worlds. New surroundings, new people, new activities. It's going to be interesting.

"Not the fruit of experience, but experience itself, is the end."
- Walter Pater

Northern Ireland

I'm back in America, back at home. It's weird having to adjust to being at home.

I find myself missing the city. I live in a lovely small town, and I really like it here, but there's something about exploring cities that now I'm suffering withdrawal from. First it was Belfast, then Dublin, then D.C. all in the span of 2 weeks. I'm adjusting to the slower pace now, the isolation, to things being more spread out. No more subways and trains. No more rainy European streets. No more national history down the block. I'm not sure I can even pinpoint what exactly it is that I miss. Those things don't quite capture the essence of what I miss.



I miss the country side, too. The ocean being out the back door. Fields of sheep and gravel roads winding through the hills. The nearest shop being a 45 minute walk along the coastal road, past the ruins of the friary left over from the late 1400s.

I have a lot of issues on my mind. I'm overwhelmed with the world's problems. Pollution and poverty, war and hunger, justice and peace... I've been asked to speak about my trip to Ireland in church on Sunday, probably for 3-5 minutes, and I don't know how to condense it. I'm too overwhelmed.

The biggest thing, maybe, is that beauty and ugliness are so often right up next to each other. Like the peace walls, put up in Belfast to keep Catholic and Protestant neighborhoods from fighting with each other. They have graffiti all over them, and you'd see a handwritten message of love right up next to a spray painted swastika. You have Christianity, the main tenet of which is supposed to be love and compassion, widespread throughout the country, yet, this history of killing and violence because they can't agree on what kind of Christianity to follow. You have this beautiful, peaceful landscape, and all this razor wire everywhere.

And somehow, even they can agree that the U.S. needs to stop killing people.

(Graffiti like this was all over the place in Belfast-- on nearly every other block.)

speechless

I have never meant for this to be a political blog. I've always tried very hard to ignore the world of politics and stick to things in my own sphere of control. But lately, that's getting harder and harder.

After reading this article (from a biased source, obviously, but still), I just don't know what to do anymore (not that this is the first time I've found myself fed up with the direction our country seems to be going). In quick summary, according to the article by Matt Taibbi (who I've never read before, and who writes for Rolling Stone, a publication for which I have essentially no respect, so take it with a grain of salt), President Bush has proposed a 2008 federal budget that would:

- save the Walton family (of Wal-Mart fame) about $32.7 billion dollars in taxes over the next ten years, while cutting $28 billion from Medicaid over the same time frame.

- save the heirs to the Mars candy corporation $11.7 billion in taxes while cutting $3.4 billion from the VA budget. (Although, I'm finding additional information about this on the VAIW website, saying "the GOP is planning to cut $15 billion from the veteran programs over the next 10 years.")

- save the Cox family (of Cox cable TV) $9.7 billion in taxes, while cutting the education budget by $1.5 billion.

- save the Nordstrom family (of Nordstrom dept. stores) $826.5 million in taxes while cutting Community Service Block Grants budget by $630 million.

- save the Ernest Gallo family (of the "largest winemaker in the world") $468.4 million in taxes while cutting funds from LIHEAP (heating oil to poor) by $420 million

- save the family of former Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond, about $164 million in tax breaks while eliminating the Commodity Supplemental Food Program, cutting $108 million over ten years from the budget. The program sent one bag of groceries per month to 480,000 seniors, mothers and newborn children.

I have so many thoughts on this, but I just don't know what to say.

I want to note that the article makes some attacks about unimportant news that has been amazingly overshadowing these issues, and while I don't condone the fact that the author makes personal attacks and resorts to lots of name-calling at celebrities that have been in the news lately, I can't say I blame him for getting worked up about these figures.

That's all I can say about this. If you care, leave a comment.

birthday girl

Yesterday was my 27th birthday.

This photo is from my 3rd birthday party. In the background, my grandfather (now deceased) on the left, and on the right, my grandmother, whom I saw this weekend (unfortunately, only a corner of her face is visible in this picture).

I'm still processing my birthday, and the new year, like I do every year. The whole passage-of-time-thing hits kind of hard some years. Words don't seem to be flowing very eloquently. Right now, I feel like I can relate to this picture better than any more current ones.

counting down

This is where I shall be spending the next 68 hours of my life. Not a bad place to spend it, but I must lock myself in my office/studio (I haven't decided whether to call it an office or a studio yet. "Studio" says- fun things happen here, "office" says- get to work! Both send valuable messages.) to study and write papers until 1:30 on Wednesday, when my last exam (French II) begins. (It's actually my only exam, but the papers I have to finish by Tuesday are the scariest part.) Two or three hours later, I'll be done with this most chaotic semester ever, and free to bake Christmas cookies and crochet scarves to my heart's content.

Just 68 hours to go.

finals week

Next week, for one of my final papers, I must turn in a portfolio of all that I have written in the class this semester, including a few things from youth and childhood, and write a retrospective essay on who I am as a writer as evidenced by the portfolio.

To prepare for the assignment, I have been rooting through boxes of childhood artwork and journals and such, trying to figure out who my writing self is, how I am different from when I was 10, how I am the same.

It's a somewhat overwhelming task, but fascinating to see that since age three (as noted in the image above), I have loved writing. Throughout my life, writing has been an essential form of expression for me.

As far as blogging everyday goes-- it seems doing anything everyday, especially during the last week of the semester, is just asking a bit much of me. But, writing more often was the goal, and writing more often is what I am doing.

pine-flavored chew toy

I missed a day yesterday, but my resolve is unwavering and I continue onward.

We have a Christmas tree! Last night, Adam and I trekked out into the dark evergreen wilderness (which is actually a nearby garden center) and brought home a lovely pine tree to place in the living room. Truman seems to believe this is a pine-flavored chew toy, and enjoys trying to drink the water from the stand.

Before buying the tree and after a tremendous deal of forethought, we picked out some ornaments to put on our first Christmas tree. (This is our first Christmas living together.) We had a few ornaments of our own already, but it was fun to pick out some to start a collection together.

Also, after a life long search, I have finally found the perfect stocking. I've never been very fond of the cookie-cutter ones most stores have, with the stiffness and the cheap-o fuzzy fabric. At the craft store, I found the perfect, soft knit stockings... and they were half-off!

I am getting more excited about Christmas this year than I have in years.

making things

I am coming out of a deep pit of frustration. A week or two ago, I was feeling as though I work at a non-stop pace, without ever having a satisfying outcome, without a sense of accomplishment.

This weekend, the chaplain's office is holding a bazaar to raise money for all the spring and summer mission teams. Since I am on the Northern Ireland team, I had to make something to sell. These are the results of my efforts.

Until I sat down to work on the project, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I made anything by hand. As a kid, craft projects were my favorite thing to do (besides singing and playing with animals), but it had been so long since I had time for anything like this, I forgot how satisfying it can be.

Why do I do this? I forget, even sometime avoid, the things that make me most happy, that make me feel the deepest accomplishment, because somehow they seem frivolous. I've fought this battle before, and I thought I had gotten through it. I know that creativity is what fuels me, what keeps me afloat in the sea of everyday chaos, what reminds me of who I am. Yet somehow, I forget to put it into practice.

It was nice to have a reminder.

craftiness

I have been making jewelry this evening, and it feels so good to be doing something crafty that I feel pleased with. Pictures to follow.

Wow, in many ways I cannot wait until this semester is over. It has been a crazy one!

beauty

My friends Phil and Allie in Pittsburgh posted this video that blew me away the more I thought about it. It's part of Dove's campaign for real beauty. This may be old news to people who have TVs, but since we are (thankfully) TVless here at my house, it's new to me.

still determined, despite having already failed

Technically, I have failed. It is after midnight, so technically, I already missed day 2. But, since I haven't yet gone to bed, I tend to consider it still the same day. (excuses, excuses...) But seriously, I'm not daunted, even by this initial failure.

Today was a fabulous day of thought and productivity. I am finally mostly caught up with the work I've been behind on for about three weeks. This accomplishment does more than just lift a weight from my shoulders, it reminds me that I do, actually, have the ability to accomplish things. It's the first time I've had that reminder in a while.

Plus, I spent three hours engaged in deep conversation with friends at Panera this afternoon. I needed that, today. I need that more often.

Finally, for the past two weeks, I've been having weird, unpleasant, disturbing dreams every night. Thankfully, on Friday night, the trend was broken when I dreamt that Adam and I were househunting in Ireland. We came upon a house by the ocean, and upon taking a little raft out into the water we came upon two dolphins and a penguin, because you know how Ireland has all those penguins. I used to have swimming-with-dolphin dreams quite regularly, but it had been a while, so I was ecstatic to have the dolphins come back into my nighttime journeys. Not sure where the penguin came from, but hey, I'm just glad he wasn't The Penguin, because that would have probably made the dream a little disturbing.

This is an actual photograph I took in my dream. (Well, our 2004 trip to the east coast seems like a dream...)

blogging every day anyway

One month left of 2006. Perfect time to make an Old Years Resolution. I hereby resolve-- because damnit, I don't have enough to do already-- to post EVERYDAY on this blog, throughout the month of December. I missed National Novel Writing Month (read here about some participants) and National Blog Posting Month, at least, I missed the beginnings of these months (suspiciously both within the same month) and thus ignored them almost completely until now. But I am slowly becoming more disciplined about my writing, and this seems the perfect way to help that along, despite the fact that I pretty much missed the boat everyone else was on. (As my mom told me over the phone on Thanksgiving, I always did march to my own drum-beat anyway.)

So, get ready. And feel free to post all the encouraging comments you can dream up. I'll need all the support I can get!

p.s. and please ignore the fact that I already missed the first day of December. I didn't think of this until this morning! :)

the new guy

It has been quite some time since I've updated. But have a good excuse... I've been overwhelmed with happiness and love for life. I've also been very busy with two writing courses and with reading short stories and learning french. Writing for leisure just hasn't been in the cards lately.

I realized that I couldn't go another day, however, without sharing the joy of our newest family member. Truman has lived with us for going on two months now. Adam and I missed Lucy's presence so much, and while no dog could take her place, raising a new puppy has brought us unmatched joy. He's a 5-1/2 month old shih tzu, and is a bundle of such furry sweetness.

Here they are, my two boys. What could be cuter?

the speed of summer

apparently, my blogging goes in waves. I update a bunch, then I don't update for a month. I start to update daily for a week, then I completely poop out on the whole thing. I guess that's just how my energy ebbs and flows in summer. Right now, I'm feeling sporadic. My writing may reflect this.

Adam and I found a new park to hike at. We liked it so much we went back again the next day and took pictures.

I'm also getting settled in to my office. I am so happy to have a workspace to myself for the first time in so long. We've planted flowers and are having such a fantastic time in this new house. I love summer.

...although... I am itching for people to come back to campus. It is quite lonely around here. I am keeping my mind active, having checked out a huge pile of books from the library. Currently, I'm reading Kerouac's "On the Road" because it's one of those cultural essentials. But I miss having people around all the time to talk to and to discuss the secrets of life with.

I have two friends who are currently in Northern Ireland, working at Corrymeela reconciliation center, where I hope to go next summer for 10 days. Check out their blogs.

mariangoestoireland
hosinireland