the speed of summer

apparently, my blogging goes in waves. I update a bunch, then I don't update for a month. I start to update daily for a week, then I completely poop out on the whole thing. I guess that's just how my energy ebbs and flows in summer. Right now, I'm feeling sporadic. My writing may reflect this.

Adam and I found a new park to hike at. We liked it so much we went back again the next day and took pictures.

I'm also getting settled in to my office. I am so happy to have a workspace to myself for the first time in so long. We've planted flowers and are having such a fantastic time in this new house. I love summer.

...although... I am itching for people to come back to campus. It is quite lonely around here. I am keeping my mind active, having checked out a huge pile of books from the library. Currently, I'm reading Kerouac's "On the Road" because it's one of those cultural essentials. But I miss having people around all the time to talk to and to discuss the secrets of life with.

I have two friends who are currently in Northern Ireland, working at Corrymeela reconciliation center, where I hope to go next summer for 10 days. Check out their blogs.

mariangoestoireland
hosinireland

t u e s d a y : : b l u e

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w (one more)

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w

Yellow is an appropriate color today, because today I am doing a project for work that involves many yellow post-its and many yellow highlights. I have to enter hundreds and hundreds of names into a database, and seeing as how it is very monotonous , I am more than happy to focus on pretty colors. I'm also glad I get to work at home in my own office, at my own pace.

It was Andrea's idea (she's my blogging hero yet again) to continue the color party that started some time ago. It's perfect timing for me, so I don't mind to be lagging behind all these other folks.

Join in the coloriness:

monday: yellow
tuesday: blue/turquoise
wednesday: green
thursday: white or brown or black
friday: orange
saturday: red or purple or pink

getting it

(Sorry for the lack of photos. Blogger is being annoying and not letting me post an image.)


I'm coming out of an overwhelmed confusion. My thoughts feel so abstract and intangible. Within a month, I've gone from living in a dorm having no idea where I would be living for the summer, much less for the next two years, to staying in a homeless shelter for ten days, to living in my very own house with my very own boyfriend and our very own furniture. I've gone from wishing I had a home, to experiencing life free of possessions, to being completely centered around material needs. “We need silverware, we need salt and pepper, we need book shelves, we need a couch...” is the kind of thinking I've come back to, after a week of talking with people who live on the benches next to the fountain in front of Union Station, hearing them talk of the struggle to find shelter when it rains.

I waver from moment to moment between being driven to get things done around the house and being completely paralyzed. I haven't written here for a while, partly because of how abstract my thoughts are, and partly because I think to myself “if I write, I'm keeping myself from something else I should be doing.” I feel guilty for indulging myself.

But then the words come back to me, of the pastor at the church we attended Sunday of our trip.

“I don't apologize for what I have, because I know what I went through to get it.”

...and that combines in my mind with the words of Mr. Burton who runs the shelter we stayed at. Nobody wants you to feel ashamed for what you have. Just share it.

As I look at paint samples to decide what color to paint the living room, and pick out a comfy reading chair for my office, I remind myself that feeling guilty for what I have won't help me help anyone. Creating a beautiful life that motivates me to see the beauty everywhere will.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Stella Adler

deep breath

It's been hard to reflect because of the things that have been happening this past month, most of which I was completely unprepared for.

- I took Lucy to the vet a couple weeks ago, thinking she was having digestive problems. As it turned out, she was severely anemic, and her abdominal and chest cavities had filled with fluid so she was unable to take air into her lungs. The vet suspected she had cancer. It was a complete shock to us, but it was recommended that we allow her to be put to sleep that day. I've never made such a painful decision. Both Adam and I were able to be there with her as she was put to rest painlessly and peacefully, which we were thankful for. I can't think about it anymore right now. There have been many tears.

You can read about how Lucy came into my life here, and see Adam's Mascot Monday tributes to her here, here, here, and here.

- I traveled to Washington DC with 12 other people from campus, on a trip called "Crossroads of the Powerful and the Powerless." We lived in the world's largest homeless shelter for 10 days, working and getting to know the residents and volunteers (who are also residents). In the afternoons, we would venture to Capitol Hill to meet with state representatives and tour the buildings from which our country is managed. We discussed issues of power, wealth and faith with each other and with those we met everywhere from the street to the Capitol. It was an unforgettable experience. I'm still processing all that happened.

- Adam and I have moved into our new home. We just got our internet connection hooked up on Saturday, and my computer is being worked on so I have to use Adam's. But we're getting settled in, taking it one room at a time. It feels lonely without Lucy, but we're happy to be with each other. This is our first home together, and so far we're having a great time making it ours.

m.i.a.

You may have noticed I've been missing in action for a while. Things have been just a little crazy. But I've made it through the worst of it (I think). The wedding went well. I finished up classes. I went to Anaheim, CA. I made it through finals. And... at the last possible second, in a whirlwind of syncronicity, I found a house for me and Adam to rent. It's such a huge stress lifted off my shoulders, and I am already thinking of how I'm going to decorate. It's a big old house with wood floors and a nice back yard. I just found it yesterday, signed the lease this morning, and we move in this weekend! I haven't had a chance to even take pictures yet, but they'll be up soon enough.

Sorry if this post is a little overly-enthusiastic. I'm a bit high energy right now, having been so stressed out for so long about so many different things, and then having all that stress seemingly lifted at once. I think I actually qualify right now as being giddy.

photobooth friday - marriage week edition

(Me and Adam on the left, Summer and James on the right)

Tomorrow is the big day.

James and Summer are getting married tomorrow. Adam is getting a little nervous about his officiating role, but we have a long car ride ahead of us today, during which he is going to run through all his “lines” and work out the kinks.

Adam and I had a long conversation last night about an issue we had some disagreement about. It reminded me of all the work that marriage is... but of how rewarding it can be when you've worked things out. The discussion was a growing experience. He and I decided early on that the “mission” of our relationship is to help each other grow. If we aren't doing that, we aren't doing each other any good being together.

And what a growing experience this wedding has been for us! We're not even the ones getting married, yet we've both been forced to really think sincerely about what marriage means to us. Adam and I have actually suggested/chosen the words Summer and James are using to make their vows to each other. Since we're not married, it's given us a chance to really reflect on what we think marriage should be.

But yesterday, when the four of us went to the mall to get these pictures taken two days before the wedding, it wasn't about the social construct of marriage. It was just about four friends who've helped each other through the transitions from college to adulthood (or, in my case, adulthood to college). Two couples who've been unsure of themselves at times, but who've pulled through all those difficulties and, when it comes down to it, just have fun together.

From the photos, it may not appear that we've acclimated to adulthood all that well. But I'm ok with that.

Many thanks to Andrea for thinking up photobooth friday. I wouldn't have thought to visit the photobooth right before their wedding without it, and we all had such a fun and memorable time.

More about photobooth friday here and here.

- marriage week - day 3

(Photo was taken a year after I got married by a friend who was studying photography.
She is now, incidentally, dating my ex.)

Marriage is a decision. A commitment.

I used to believe that marriage is about love, but I no longer believe that to be necessarily true.

I shared this thought with Adam yesterday, and he thought it sounded cold and depressing... and I agreed. But when you get down to it, that's what marriage is. An agreement. A decision. A commitment.

There are two funny myths about marriage.

Myth #1: Once you get married, everything changes.

Myth #2: Once you get married, nothing changes.

Does a soirée involving a white dress, some rings, and a cake change everything? Of course not. Once married, you are still the same two people, the same couple. But what often changes are expectations, both from the two lovers and from the rest of the world. Suddenly, you are expected to get joint bank accounts, to file your taxes together (happy belated tax day, by the way!), to spend holidays together, to not attend family gatherings partnerless, to have children, to agree on stuff.

And sometimes, one of you holds expectations about the roles you both should play-- sometimes without realizing that you hold that expectation. She expects that he will always have a job. He expects that she won't have a social life without him. Or about characteristics based on your parents' relationship: he expects that she will nag him, she expects that he won't respect her freedom.

The key, I think, is to be clear on what this commitment means to both of you before entering into it, what meanings you attach to the idea of "marriage", from day to day behavior to the role this person plays in the grand scheme of your life... and to realize that some of those meanings or expectations may be unrealistic.

The relationship that makes up a marriage and the marriage itself are really, if you think about it, two entirely separate entities. I have seen married couples who don't have much of a relationship by my standards, yet their marriage is going strong. And I have seen couples with a strong and powerful relationship whose marriages don't work out, or don't even exist.

Perhaps it is important to understand this, to really think about how marriage relates to your relationship, and to honestly rank one as a priority over the other. To my ex, and initially to me, marriage was more important that our relationship. He would have rather stayed married in an unhappy relationship than be close but no longer married. But I came to want a healthy relationship more than an strong marriage. And I think he, too, now values that we still have a friendship more than resents the fact that we got divorced.

I am sure there are people who disagree, but I at least think it is an interesting idea. Which is more important to you? A happy relationship, or a lifelong marriage? If you had to choose one without the other, which would it be?

– marriage week – day 2

What to me is an ideal marriage?

1. It adapts to fit both our lives. It changes with the times and the years and circumstances.

How terribly Gen X does that make me sound? Expecting that the timeless institution of MARRIAGE should change to fit my life? How selfish does it make me to expect that in committing my life to a partner, that partner should adapt to my needs...

But no, wait. That isn't what I'm saying. I'm not saying that the other person is supposed to conform to whatever are my wants and desires. I'm saying that the relationship should reflect us as we both change and grow.

Let's say I'm married, and there is a time when we both have great opportunities to work in jobs that are in different cities. Maybe one of us feels that the opportunity is not worth being apart. But maybe we both want to see what we can learn from the experiences, so one of us moves, and the other stays, and we see how it works. But we still love each other, and we're still committed to each other, and we still want to be together in the long run.

2. We want to be together. We enjoy spending time together. We can be sitting in a car together, talking or not talking, and still enjoying each other's company. We can be working through painful or difficult problems, but we're working through them because afterward, we want to come out stronger and closer.

3. We respect each other. We don't habitually make jokes at the other's expense, to friends, family, or to each other. We are both willing to do our share of work, and willing to take on extra when the other is stressed. But we communicate when we need help, rather than being passive aggressive, or trying to take on too much.

4. We can seek counseling together if things are going wrong, rather than letting things deteriorate. We act on this before it is too late. In times of extreme difficulty, we would both make fixing the problems in our marriage our first priority, with equal effort on both sides. We are be able to forgive each other.

5. We respect each other's interests. I will have interests that my partner doesn't share, but he shouldn't resent or make fun of those interests, rather he should delight in my enthusiasm for things that add variety to both our lives. Likewise, my partner will have interests that I don't share, but he must have the space to enjoy them, and I should support him and appreciate that he is a different person from me. Also, we would pursue some interests together.

6. We find the balance between freedom and commitment. We encourage each other to be individuals, to have alone time, to have social time with other friends. But we don't neglect to spend quality time together regularly.

7. We travel regularly together.

8. It is a timeless friendship, full of laughter, good memories, and closeness. We are a comfort to each other. We appreciate each other, and communicate openly. We learn each other.

9. We are very attracted to each other, making sure to let each other know this openly. We enjoy both quiet physical closeness and crazyintensewildfabulouspassion, depending on our mood.

10. We do things for each other to make everyday life more fun, like leaving notes for each other, surprising each other, and being playful.

oops

almost forgot.



happy easter.

bridal explosion

Adam's roommates, James and Summer, are getting married next weekend. He and I are somewhat centrally involved in the festivities, as Adam is officiating the ceremony and I am helping coordinate many details (I have both been to and been involved in many weddings in the past, including, of course, my own). I will write more about the details of that later.

Right now I am thinking about what exactly marriage is. I have quite the love/hate sort of relationship with weddings. I think weddings are beautiful. I love the idea of planning a big party for two people who love each other, and celebrating who they are together that they wouldn't be on their own. But I also fear the life after that, the potential stagnancy, the inflexibility of a bond that is so differently defined any given year by any given couple, yet expected to be so consistent.

This is kind of a big issue in my life, for a couple reasons. First, I used to be married, and am now divorced. The promise I made, in front of God and my family and friends, to love and be with my husband no matter what he did or said, no matter if he was sick or healthy, no matter if we were rich or poor...I chose to break it.

What happened that I didn't account for was not so much how he changed, but how I changed. I was 18 when I committed my 30-year-old and 40-year-old and 65-year-old selves to that marriage, and by the time I had become just my 23-year-old self, I could see that I had fooled myself. At 18, I believed I had reached my full potential, I knew all I needed to know about myself and about the world and about relationships. I knew what my parents had done wrong with me, and why I was the way I was. And to be fair, I probably knew myself better than the average 18-year-old knows themselves. But I thought I had reached the end. I thought I was as good as I was going to get.

Obviously, my illusion slowly shattered. As I experienced the intense personal questioning that comes on during what is most people's college years, I kept finding my mind blocked because I was in a bond that was too small for me and that couldn't grow or change. I agonized over the decision for over a year, but eventually, the five year marriage came to an end, and a wonderful (and much more natural-feeling) friendship with my ex has blossomed in its place.

The second reason I often try to make sense of marriage is that I am now in love, and ponder perhaps getting married in the future. But I waver back and forth on what this would mean, what would be my motives, what difference marriage would make.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim this to be – Marriage Week – here at borrowedmuse. My blogging during this week leading up to James & Summer's wedding shall be committed to the topic of marriage, in an attempt to discover what exactly it all means. I encourage those of you who read but don't comment (because I know you're there) to take this opportunity to comment often. Your thoughts will be quite welcome.

photobooth friday

One of my best friends in junior high was Nat. Nat was actually her middle name. She's from Thailand, and her full name I wouldn't do justice trying to spell. Her first and last name were each four syllables long, so telling people her name was 'Nat' was much easier than trying to get them to pronounce her full name correctly.

We haven't talked in many years. We lost touch a while after she went on vacation with my family for a week. When we returned from the trip, her mom picked her up at our house and informed her they had moved while we were gone. She went to a new school that was a little more "ghetto" than the one we'd been going to together.

Shortly after she moved, one of our mutual friends (who, for the sake of this story I'll call Stacy) began talking badly about Nat behind her back, joking that Nat was turning into a slut, was going to get pregnant, etc. One day, I abruptly stopped talking to Stacy, because I didn't like her saying mean things about someone we were both friends with, then pretending to be friends with her to her face. Nat seemed to think Stacy was a good friend, and didn't understand why I stopped talking to her. I never told Nat why I did it, because it would have required me to tell her the things Stacy was saying about her. Looking back on this, I think I did the right thing, though I always felt bad about it. I think this misunderstanding led to Nat becoming close friends with Stacy, and me losing touch with both of them. Ahhh, teen drama.

This picture was taken on Nat's 13th birthday, July 2, 1992, when she and I went with another friend to the Americana Amusement Park. There are also pictures of the three of us, but I'll save those for another time.

Please note my fantastically crooked teeth. What wonderfully awkward days those were.

More stories captured in photobooths by the wonderful hulaseventy and others, found here!

sunshine

Life has been a little rough lately. Not for me so much as for people close to me.

This is just to spread some sunshine.

must see

We flew directly over sea world when we were in florida. It made me think of Shamu, and when we came back, I ended up finding this online:

http://www.shamu.com/ca/shamu-cam/

I could watch it for hours!

photobooth friday

The weekend before our trip, Adam and I spontaneously went to the Tuttle Mall to find the photobooth there. We walked the length of the mall; I could swear I'd seen the booth somewhere in the middle aisle of the ground floor. We searched the entire mall and were ready to give up, when for some reason Adam said “lets just walk down this way again, just to check.” We strolled on in the direction we'd already been. Suddenly, I spotted it tucked behind a bunch of plants near a kids play area, like a tiger hiding in the grass. They'd moved it to a new location, and it was a stroke of incredible luck that I noticed it at all. (That's what I call teamwork.)

It was not an authentic, vintage photobooth but rather the new kind that prints two perforated strips of color digital shots that you can choose various “fun” backgrounds for. Fortunately, we could select plain, black & white shots. And we did.

I had hoped to search for photobooths in Florida, but we had little time on the ground to explore. We didn't leave Columbus until Friday morning and had to come back on Sunday. (I had actually tried to post this photo before we left on Friday, but technical problems prevented it.)

But the brevity of the trip hardly matters to me, because I got to travel with my favorite person. On our journeys, we share the adventures I have always craved. The talks we have as we travel, the fun of just sitting next to each other watching the scenery pass, the glimpses into new places, the memories we make, these are things I live for.

I think this idea of “enjoying the journey” is the very reason I'm so drawn to photobooth strips. Not only do they capture a moment, but they capture a series of moments. They represent perfectly the moment-to-moment variety, spontaneity, and unpredictability of life itself. Just like traveling.

savoring

What a fabulous trip it was. I had to pounce right back into regular life immediately afterward so I haven't had much time to catch up on writing, but I am working on starting a flickr account to post my many photos from the trip. It was just a three day trip, when I had originally hoped it would be five. But I lived it up for those three days. Best. Spring Break. Ever.

It's that time of the semester when I have to figure out what classes I'll be registering for next semester. I always find it so exciting. I know I sound like such a nerd, but I love school, learning new things every day, switching to a completely new schedule and new topics every semester.

My mother, who has been an unhappy person for as long as I can remember, is always attributing the passion I have for my life to youth, thus, she is convinced it is out of her reach. Which is funny because the people I'm in school with can't even believe how old I am (26 is, after all, closer to 30 than 20), yet I'm far more passionate about what I'm doing than many of them. I have to believe it's all relative. I have professors and friends in their 50s who are more energetic and alive than my mom probably was in her 20s. This is helpful for me to keep in mind when those negative ideas about aging that were planted in my brain during childhood creep up on me. Youth isn't about age, it's about digging in. It's about savoring moments. Like when you have just 20 minutes to spend at the beach. If you breathe deeply and take it all in, those 20 minutes last as long as a full day.

I have no idea where this quote is from, but it's one of my favorites of all time:

“It is ordinary to love the marvelous, but marvelous to love the ordinary.”

zen sandwich

Still in Columbus. Trip to Florida delayed again until tomorrow.

But I am at peace with this. Yesterday I got a little emotional and disappointed, but I worked through it. Today, I'm having another nice day at home catching up on some correspondences and some school work, and just taking it easy.

For lunch I decided to make myself a sandwich, but not before I took a bite out of one end of the croissant I was going to make the sandwich with. After I sliced the croissant, I realized it looked like a whale, or a paisley pattern, and then I realized I could make a yin/yang symbol out of both slices. I looked at it. I took a picture of it. I ate it. I pondered.

Leave it to me to find spiritual significance in a my lunch.

spring break: day six

Well, it didn't turn out to be the weather that delayed us, but business logistics (that's code for “Adam's co-workers are big fat poopy-heads”). So, even though we were supposed to be flying to Florida today, it looks like it won't be until either tomorrow or possibly even Friday. I'm handling my disappointment well, though. It helps me to give Adam frequent reminders that I am the best girlfriend ever for being so understanding and patient about the delay of a trip I've been exploding with excitement about.

Here are a few of the things I've done today instead of flying to Florida:

1. drove to the municipal office to drop of Adam's grant proposal for the conference he's in charge of. Took Lucy with me, just to get her out of the house.

2. wavered between laughing and crying at the fact that it snowed last night. Laughing because I'm going to be leaving the snow for florida. Crying because I didn't leave today.

3. took Lucy for a walk around a park that we'd never been to before. They had a cool looking skateboarding-thingy. I don't know what you'd call it, like a big paved area with ramps and curves. It made me wish I could skateboard.

4. had a bowl of cereal back at home.

5. watched an episode of Judging Amy. That's right. I watched television. *gasp* ok, I actually watched two episodes of Judging Amy. I'm on spring break. I can indulge a little.

6. had my favorite kind of salad: field greens with dried cranberries and butter toffee glazed sliced almonds in red wine vinaigrette dressing. mmm...

7. picked out my outfits for each day of the trip, and put in a load of laundry.

Next on my list is to take a shower, have a cup of coffee and some of the yummy blueberry bread Adam made yesterday (do I have the best boyfriend in the world or what?) and catch up on some reading. This vacation thing isn't so bad.

spring break: day three

So, over the last couple weeks, I've been really busy. A couple weeks ago, I went to Pittsburgh for the Jubilee conference and had a great time downtown with Taylor and Kelly. For that weekend, downtown Pittsburgh had been overrun with about 2,000 Christian college kids, perhaps making it temporarily the safest city in America. The three of us had a great time taking pictures of the cityscape, until a security guard came up to us and said there are security cameras all over the place watching us and we've got to stop taking pictures of the tops of buildings because he's getting all kinds of calls about us. After September 11, he said, you just can't do that.

So, then we went to a pizza shop and discussed how we didn't like the idea of Christians converting Muslims and other spiritual ideas that we realized would make us even more suspicious if the security guards were still listening in on our conversation.

Other than that, though, life has just been moving quickly. I'm already on spring break, and am for the first time excited about being on vacation from school. Today I'm headed down to Circleville for a recording session with Lift, and tomorrow I'm driving to Michigan to take my friend Josh to a monastery. Tuesday I'm going to do schoolwork all day to get caught up on work. Then Wednesday, assuming the weather is good enough, Adam and I fly to Florida.

Now, of course, when most people say they're flying somewhere, they mean they're getting on an airline and being flown somewhere. But not us. Adam is piloting the plane, I'll be his navigator, and we shall get into a little plane like this one and fly down first to North Carolina, then to Miami, then Cape Coral for his cousin's wedding on Saturday.

It's already only three days into spring break. Technically, only two days into it, but Friday was so much fun, I'm counting it as day one. I spent the evening with Kelly and Bobby, watching a movie (Adrienne also joined us for part of the movie) and heading out to Bono's Pizza in Kilbourne, and just having an all around fun evening. Yesterday, Adam and I stocked up on delicious food for break, and visited a photobooth in the mall so I can finally start contributing to hula seventy's Photobooth Friday (but you'll just have to wait till Friday to see it!), had dinner at Chick-fil-a, and laughed a lot.

Already, it's been the best spring break ever. And the rest of the break is promising to be even better. As long as the weather holds out...