my hope for you

Dear Adam,

I hope, deeply and sincerely, that you find someone someday about whom you care more deeply and passionately than you ever thought yourself capable. I hope that somewhere, deep inside you, maybe there is a slight uneasiness that the person doesn't quite reciprocate the way you wish they did, but that you are able to put it out of your mind, because you are a sensible and secure and emotionally healthy person. And you realize, it doesn't matter anyway, because what matters is that you knew this love, unlike anything you thought possible.

I hope that eventually, though, it works out, and you and this person work together on a life that you love, a life you are thankful for every single day, a life you don't take for granted. And then one day, out of the blue, this person you've loved and trusted and shared your whole self with suddenly decides that, due to some mistake you made ages ago which they claimed to have forgiven you for, they haven't actually; and as a result, they haven't even felt the kind of love for you they've been claiming all along; that the whole life and the supposed love it was built on was a one-sided lie that the person was going along with to appease you; and that every promise you've been basing your vision of the future on is dissolved, and every insecurity you had along the way is something you maybe shouldn't have quieted. And then, I hope you remember you were the worst friend ever to the best friend you ever had.

And finally, I hope dogs everywhere know the promise you broke to the puppy who loved you, and whom you abandoned. I hope they pee on your shoes.

Sadly, none of this will probably happen. You will continue to go through life, faking your role as the golden child. "Mom, I threw that dirty magazine away" you will say, before going to secretly dig it out of the trash. And everyone will believe you. You will purchase puppy-mill dogs who will love you, because they don't know any better. And I will go on with my life, without the friendship that was supposed to be once in a lifetime. And in the next life, I will not look for you. I will read about how the dolphins, in slapping their tails against the water, were actually telling us "get away from me" because that is, in fact, what it means when dolphins slap their tails against the water. And you will have a nightmare or two over the course of your life about how you hurt me, and how you still feel a little bad about what you did, but you'll wake up and remember it is only a dream; it is only the past, and it doesn't matter now. Not to you, anyway.

brooding and being

I live in Cincinnati. I have never lived in a place that I felt actually suited my personality before now. Today, I thought about this. And I thought about what happened seven years ago today. I watched a speech by Michelle Obama. I played music. And I laughed.

And now, I am writing. Because I love life and I am broken hearted. This is my time and my place. Will I fall in love? Will I have my heart crushed again? Will the cracks already in place, clean cuts that have been haphazardly taped and glued together so I look like I'm coping, will they split and shatter irreparably? Will the fragile hope I have be betrayed. Will I watch all that I love and believe in disappoint me again? Or will I, will we all, rebuild? Will we take the crumbled walls and joyfully make new ones from the rubble? Responsibly, thoughtfully, lovingly... Will we celebrate that not all is lost, or will we lose all? I am a person who wants to see change in my life, in my mind, in the world, in the people around me, in those I've lost or let go of. Government can only change so much; it will always be corrupt, but it can be better than evil and merely self-serving. People I love, who used to be family, they don't believe the same things I believe. They value the safety of suburbia, their own happiness over the collective happiness. I understand; I do. You have children and you feel the need to protect them above all other people. This is one reason I prefer not to have kids, to not be distracted from what is right for the world in favor of what is right for the people that came from my belly. If no one has come from my belly, I can remain more objective. That is, if I am not in love. This is where I am and what I think. This is where I fit in, today. Tomorrow, who knows. Today, romantic love is imperfect, it is attachment and confusion. Unfortunate, because I miss it. Shall I stay alone, on my own, sleeping next to no one? Does it mute my passion to have my passion quenched?

i am here

It has been a while, because I have been moving to a new city.

I am here now, feeling new ground beneath my feet, learning to be alone sometimes in a huge house; although I will be living with 5 people when everyone gets moved in, they are only here periodically for now. I feel a little like a five-year-old walking around the house in my dad's work shoes, scooting and tripping. Meanwhile, strange, surprising, unexpected things are unfolding... not the things I need, like a perfect job and a reasonable amount of money, but the things I had decided to hide from. Music and love and stuff-- the kind of things that make a person ache.

"sometimes I feel so all alone
here in this city I call my home"
- over the rhine

life after graduation - day 3

"Writing is good for many things, but curing loneliness isn't one of them."
- Ann Patchett


Most of my friends have left town. I am downing oolong tea like whiskey. This is going to be a long month.

today I graduated

Just 10 years after graduating from high school, too.

Not sure what to think about it. Here's about all I can manage to say:

In honor of all I have and haven't learned in college, and of all I'm still trying to figure out...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Cardigans/_/Live+and+Learn

This song makes me dance hard, till I'm dizzy and out of breath. And it takes a lot to get me to dance.

still working

Well, I'm slowly working out the kinks, but I'm happy with how things are coming along. I have been feasting on words and images to feed my head with beauty. I am writing a story, and arranging a violin part. I am assembling a slide show of many people's baby photos. I am doing things.

And there are other things I am not doing. I am avoiding things just as often as I am doing them. I mowed today when I also should have been writing a 12 page paper. I did housework Friday when I should have been tying up the loose ends before graduation and registering for my summer school class. I am doing this when I should be taking the dog to the dog park.

But I'm catching up. It's not enough, but it's something.

difficulty

hmm. this overhaul is going to take longer than I thought.