borrowed muse

my hope for you

2010-07-21T22:10:00.002-05:00

Dear Adam,

I hope, deeply and sincerely, that you find someone someday about whom you care more deeply and passionately than you ever thought yourself capable. I hope that somewhere, deep inside you, maybe there is a slight uneasiness that the person doesn't quite reciprocate the way you wish they did, but that you are able to put it out of your mind, because you are a sensible and secure and emotionally healthy person. And you realize, it doesn't matter anyway, because what matters is that you knew this love, unlike anything you thought possible.

I hope that eventually, though, it works out, and you and this person work together on a life that you love, a life you are thankful for every single day, a life you don't take for granted. And then one day, out of the blue, this person you've loved and trusted and shared your whole self with suddenly decides that, due to some mistake you made ages ago which they claimed to have forgiven you for, they haven't actually; and as a result, they haven't even felt the kind of love for you they've been claiming all along; that the whole life and the supposed love it was built on was a one-sided lie that the person was going along with to appease you; and that every promise you've been basing your vision of the future on is dissolved, and every insecurity you had along the way is something you maybe shouldn't have quieted. And then, I hope you remember you were the worst friend ever to the best friend you ever had.

And finally, I hope dogs everywhere know the promise you broke to the puppy who loved you, and whom you abandoned. I hope they pee on your shoes.

Sadly, none of this will probably happen. You will continue to go through life, faking your role as the golden child. "Mom, I threw that dirty magazine away" you will say, before going to secretly dig it out of the trash. And everyone will believe you. You will purchase puppy-mill dogs who will love you, because they don't know any better. And I will go on with my life, without the friendship that was supposed to be once in a lifetime. And in the next life, I will not look for you. I will read about how the dolphins, in slapping their tails against the water, were actually telling us "get away from me" because that is, in fact, what it means when dolphins slap their tails against the water. And you will have a nightmare or two over the course of your life about how you hurt me, and how you still feel a little bad about what you did, but you'll wake up and remember it is only a dream; it is only the past, and it doesn't matter now. Not to you, anyway.

brooding and being

2008-09-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

I live in Cincinnati. I have never lived in a place that I felt actually suited my personality before now. Today, I thought about this. And I thought about what happened seven years ago today. I watched a speech by Michelle Obama. I played music. And I laughed.

And now, I am writing. Because I love life and I am broken hearted. This is my time and my place. Will I fall in love? Will I have my heart crushed again? Will the cracks already in place, clean cuts that have been haphazardly taped and glued together so I look like I'm coping, will they split and shatter irreparably? Will the fragile hope I have be betrayed. Will I watch all that I love and believe in disappoint me again? Or will I, will we all, rebuild? Will we take the crumbled walls and joyfully make new ones from the rubble? Responsibly, thoughtfully, lovingly... Will we celebrate that not all is lost, or will we lose all? I am a person who wants to see change in my life, in my mind, in the world, in the people around me, in those I've lost or let go of. Government can only change so much; it will always be corrupt, but it can be better than evil and merely self-serving. People I love, who used to be family, they don't believe the same things I believe. They value the safety of suburbia, their own happiness over the collective happiness. I understand; I do. You have children and you feel the need to protect them above all other people. This is one reason I prefer not to have kids, to not be distracted from what is right for the world in favor of what is right for the people that came from my belly. If no one has come from my belly, I can remain more objective. That is, if I am not in love. This is where I am and what I think. This is where I fit in, today. Tomorrow, who knows. Today, romantic love is imperfect, it is attachment and confusion. Unfortunate, because I miss it. Shall I stay alone, on my own, sleeping next to no one? Does it mute my passion to have my passion quenched?

i am here

2008-06-20T11:57:00.003-05:00

It has been a while, because I have been moving to a new city.

I am here now, feeling new ground beneath my feet, learning to be alone sometimes in a huge house; although I will be living with 5 people when everyone gets moved in, they are only here periodically for now. I feel a little like a five-year-old walking around the house in my dad's work shoes, scooting and tripping. Meanwhile, strange, surprising, unexpected things are unfolding... not the things I need, like a perfect job and a reasonable amount of money, but the things I had decided to hide from. Music and love and stuff-- the kind of things that make a person ache.

"sometimes I feel so all alone
here in this city I call my home"
- over the rhine

life after graduation - day 3

2008-05-14T12:00:00.003-05:00

"Writing is good for many things, but curing loneliness isn't one of them."
- Ann Patchett

Most of my friends have left town. I am downing oolong tea like whiskey. This is going to be a long month.

today I graduated

2008-05-12T01:49:00.002-05:00

Just 10 years after graduating from high school, too.

Not sure what to think about it. Here's about all I can manage to say:

In honor of all I have and haven't learned in college, and of all I'm still trying to figure out...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Cardigans/_/Live+and+Learn

This song makes me dance hard, till I'm dizzy and out of breath. And it takes a lot to get me to dance.

still working

2008-05-04T15:28:00.005-05:00

Well, I'm slowly working out the kinks, but I'm happy with how things are coming along. I have been feasting on words and images to feed my head with beauty. I am writing a story, and arranging a violin part. I am assembling a slide show of many people's baby photos. I am doing things.

And there are other things I am not doing. I am avoiding things just as often as I am doing them. I mowed today when I also should have been writing a 12 page paper. I did housework Friday when I should have been tying up the loose ends before graduation and registering for my summer school class. I am doing this when I should be taking the dog to the dog park.

But I'm catching up. It's not enough, but it's something.

difficulty

2008-04-27T19:53:00.001-05:00

hmm. this overhaul is going to take longer than I thought.

overhaul

2008-04-19T13:10:00.002-05:00

It is time for some renovating around here. I have been neglecting you, oh blog. Life has overwhelmed me this past year, mostly not in the best of ways. But I'm coming through it all with a new perspective, and more changes are on the way that I want to enjoy and explore. I am changing worlds. New surroundings, new people, new activities. It's going to be interesting.

"Not the fruit of experience, but experience itself, is the end."
- Walter Pater

Northern Ireland

2007-06-13T09:08:00.000-05:00

I'm back in America, back at home. It's weird having to adjust to being at home.

I find myself missing the city. I live in a lovely small town, and I really like it here, but there's something about exploring cities that now I'm suffering withdrawal from. First it was Belfast, then Dublin, then D.C. all in the span of 2 weeks. I'm adjusting to the slower pace now, the isolation, to things being more spread out. No more subways and trains. No more rainy European streets. No more national history down the block. I'm not sure I can even pinpoint what exactly it is that I miss. Those things don't quite capture the essence of what I miss.

I miss the country side, too. The ocean being out the back door. Fields of sheep and gravel roads winding through the hills. The nearest shop being a 45 minute walk along the coastal road, past the ruins of the friary left over from the late 1400s.

I have a lot of issues on my mind. I'm overwhelmed with the world's problems. Pollution and poverty, war and hunger, justice and peace... I've been asked to speak about my trip to Ireland in church on Sunday, probably for 3-5 minutes, and I don't know how to condense it. I'm too overwhelmed.

The biggest thing, maybe, is that beauty and ugliness are so often right up next to each other. Like the peace walls, put up in Belfast to keep Catholic and Protestant neighborhoods from fighting with each other. They have graffiti all over them, and you'd see a handwritten message of love right up next to a spray painted swastika. You have Christianity, the main tenet of which is supposed to be love and compassion, widespread throughout the country, yet, this history of killing and violence because they can't agree on what kind of Christianity to follow. You have this beautiful, peaceful landscape, and all this razor wire everywhere.

And somehow, even they can agree that the U.S. needs to stop killing people.

(Graffiti like this was all over the place in Belfast-- on nearly every other block.)

speechless

2007-02-21T23:45:00.000-05:00

I have never meant for this to be a political blog. I've always tried very hard to ignore the world of politics and stick to things in my own sphere of control. But lately, that's getting harder and harder.

After reading this article (from a biased source, obviously, but still), I just don't know what to do anymore (not that this is the first time I've found myself fed up with the direction our country seems to be going). In quick summary, according to the article by Matt Taibbi (who I've never read before, and who writes for Rolling Stone, a publication for which I have essentially no respect, so take it with a grain of salt), President Bush has proposed a 2008 federal budget that would:

- save the Walton family (of Wal-Mart fame) about $32.7 billion dollars in taxes over the next ten years, while cutting $28 billion from Medicaid over the same time frame.

- save the heirs to the Mars candy corporation $11.7 billion in taxes while cutting $3.4 billion from the VA budget. (Although, I'm finding additional information about this on the VAIW website, saying "the GOP is planning to cut $15 billion from the veteran programs over the next 10 years.")

- save the Cox family (of Cox cable TV) $9.7 billion in taxes, while cutting the education budget by $1.5 billion.

- save the Nordstrom family (of Nordstrom dept. stores) $826.5 million in taxes while cutting Community Service Block Grants budget by $630 million.

- save the Ernest Gallo family (of the "largest winemaker in the world") $468.4 million in taxes while cutting funds from LIHEAP (heating oil to poor) by $420 million

- save the family of former Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond, about $164 million in tax breaks while eliminating the Commodity Supplemental Food Program, cutting $108 million over ten years from the budget. The program sent one bag of groceries per month to 480,000 seniors, mothers and newborn children.

I have so many thoughts on this, but I just don't know what to say.

I want to note that the article makes some attacks about unimportant news that has been amazingly overshadowing these issues, and while I don't condone the fact that the author makes personal attacks and resorts to lots of name-calling at celebrities that have been in the news lately, I can't say I blame him for getting worked up about these figures.

That's all I can say about this. If you care, leave a comment.

birthday girl

2007-01-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 27th birthday.

This photo is from my 3rd birthday party. In the background, my grandfather (now deceased) on the left, and on the right, my grandmother, whom I saw this weekend (unfortunately, only a corner of her face is visible in this picture).

I'm still processing my birthday, and the new year, like I do every year. The whole passage-of-time-thing hits kind of hard some years. Words don't seem to be flowing very eloquently. Right now, I feel like I can relate to this picture better than any more current ones.

counting down

2006-12-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

This is where I shall be spending the next 68 hours of my life. Not a bad place to spend it, but I must lock myself in my office/studio (I haven't decided whether to call it an office or a studio yet. "Studio" says- fun things happen here, "office" says- get to work! Both send valuable messages.) to study and write papers until 1:30 on Wednesday, when my last exam (French II) begins. (It's actually my only exam, but the papers I have to finish by Tuesday are the scariest part.) Two or three hours later, I'll be done with this most chaotic semester ever, and free to bake Christmas cookies and crochet scarves to my heart's content.

Just 68 hours to go.

finals week

2006-12-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

Next week, for one of my final papers, I must turn in a portfolio of all that I have written in the class this semester, including a few things from youth and childhood, and write a retrospective essay on who I am as a writer as evidenced by the portfolio.

To prepare for the assignment, I have been rooting through boxes of childhood artwork and journals and such, trying to figure out who my writing self is, how I am different from when I was 10, how I am the same.

It's a somewhat overwhelming task, but fascinating to see that since age three (as noted in the image above), I have loved writing. Throughout my life, writing has been an essential form of expression for me.

As far as blogging everyday goes-- it seems doing anything everyday, especially during the last week of the semester, is just asking a bit much of me. But, writing more often was the goal, and writing more often is what I am doing.

pine-flavored chew toy

2006-12-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

I missed a day yesterday, but my resolve is unwavering and I continue onward.

We have a Christmas tree! Last night, Adam and I trekked out into the dark evergreen wilderness (which is actually a nearby garden center) and brought home a lovely pine tree to place in the living room. Truman seems to believe this is a pine-flavored chew toy, and enjoys trying to drink the water from the stand.

Before buying the tree and after a tremendous deal of forethought, we picked out some ornaments to put on our first Christmas tree. (This is our first Christmas living together.) We had a few ornaments of our own already, but it was fun to pick out some to start a collection together.

Also, after a life long search, I have finally found the perfect stocking. I've never been very fond of the cookie-cutter ones most stores have, with the stiffness and the cheap-o fuzzy fabric. At the craft store, I found the perfect, soft knit stockings... and they were half-off!

I am getting more excited about Christmas this year than I have in years.

making things

2006-12-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

I am coming out of a deep pit of frustration. A week or two ago, I was feeling as though I work at a non-stop pace, without ever having a satisfying outcome, without a sense of accomplishment.

This weekend, the chaplain's office is holding a bazaar to raise money for all the spring and summer mission teams. Since I am on the Northern Ireland team, I had to make something to sell. These are the results of my efforts.

Until I sat down to work on the project, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I made anything by hand. As a kid, craft projects were my favorite thing to do (besides singing and playing with animals), but it had been so long since I had time for anything like this, I forgot how satisfying it can be.

Why do I do this? I forget, even sometime avoid, the things that make me most happy, that make me feel the deepest accomplishment, because somehow they seem frivolous. I've fought this battle before, and I thought I had gotten through it. I know that creativity is what fuels me, what keeps me afloat in the sea of everyday chaos, what reminds me of who I am. Yet somehow, I forget to put it into practice.

It was nice to have a reminder.

craftiness

2006-12-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

I have been making jewelry this evening, and it feels so good to be doing something crafty that I feel pleased with. Pictures to follow.

Wow, in many ways I cannot wait until this semester is over. It has been a crazy one!

beauty

2006-12-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

My friends Phil and Allie in Pittsburgh posted this video that blew me away the more I thought about it. It's part of Dove's campaign for real beauty. This may be old news to people who have TVs, but since we are (thankfully) TVless here at my house, it's new to me.

still determined, despite having already failed

2006-12-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

Technically, I have failed. It is after midnight, so technically, I already missed day 2. But, since I haven't yet gone to bed, I tend to consider it still the same day. (excuses, excuses...) But seriously, I'm not daunted, even by this initial failure.

Today was a fabulous day of thought and productivity. I am finally mostly caught up with the work I've been behind on for about three weeks. This accomplishment does more than just lift a weight from my shoulders, it reminds me that I do, actually, have the ability to accomplish things. It's the first time I've had that reminder in a while.

Plus, I spent three hours engaged in deep conversation with friends at Panera this afternoon. I needed that, today. I need that more often.

Finally, for the past two weeks, I've been having weird, unpleasant, disturbing dreams every night. Thankfully, on Friday night, the trend was broken when I dreamt that Adam and I were househunting in Ireland. We came upon a house by the ocean, and upon taking a little raft out into the water we came upon two dolphins and a penguin, because you know how Ireland has all those penguins. I used to have swimming-with-dolphin dreams quite regularly, but it had been a while, so I was ecstatic to have the dolphins come back into my nighttime journeys. Not sure where the penguin came from, but hey, I'm just glad he wasn't The Penguin, because that would have probably made the dream a little disturbing.

This is an actual photograph I took in my dream. (Well, our 2004 trip to the east coast seems like a dream...)

blogging every day anyway

2006-12-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

One month left of 2006. Perfect time to make an Old Years Resolution. I hereby resolve-- because damnit, I don't have enough to do already-- to post EVERYDAY on this blog, throughout the month of December. I missed National Novel Writing Month (read here about some participants) and National Blog Posting Month, at least, I missed the beginnings of these months (suspiciously both within the same month) and thus ignored them almost completely until now. But I am slowly becoming more disciplined about my writing, and this seems the perfect way to help that along, despite the fact that I pretty much missed the boat everyone else was on. (As my mom told me over the phone on Thanksgiving, I always did march to my own drum-beat anyway.)

So, get ready. And feel free to post all the encouraging comments you can dream up. I'll need all the support I can get!

p.s. and please ignore the fact that I already missed the first day of December. I didn't think of this until this morning! :)

the new guy

2006-10-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

It has been quite some time since I've updated. But have a good excuse... I've been overwhelmed with happiness and love for life. I've also been very busy with two writing courses and with reading short stories and learning french. Writing for leisure just hasn't been in the cards lately.

I realized that I couldn't go another day, however, without sharing the joy of our newest family member. Truman has lived with us for going on two months now. Adam and I missed Lucy's presence so much, and while no dog could take her place, raising a new puppy has brought us unmatched joy. He's a 5-1/2 month old shih tzu, and is a bundle of such furry sweetness.

Here they are, my two boys. What could be cuter?

the speed of summer

2006-07-20T10:49:00.000-05:00

apparently, my blogging goes in waves. I update a bunch, then I don't update for a month. I start to update daily for a week, then I completely poop out on the whole thing. I guess that's just how my energy ebbs and flows in summer. Right now, I'm feeling sporadic. My writing may reflect this.

Adam and I found a new park to hike at. We liked it so much we went back again the next day and took pictures.

I'm also getting settled in to my office. I am so happy to have a workspace to myself for the first time in so long. We've planted flowers and are having such a fantastic time in this new house. I love summer.

...although... I am itching for people to come back to campus. It is quite lonely around here. I am keeping my mind active, having checked out a huge pile of books from the library. Currently, I'm reading Kerouac's "On the Road" because it's one of those cultural essentials. But I miss having people around all the time to talk to and to discuss the secrets of life with.

I have two friends who are currently in Northern Ireland, working at Corrymeela reconciliation center, where I hope to go next summer for 10 days. Check out their blogs.

mariangoestoireland
hosinireland

t u e s d a y : : b l u e

2006-06-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w (one more)

2006-06-19T21:35:00.000-05:00

m o n d a y : : y e l l o w

2006-06-19T15:01:00.000-05:00

Yellow is an appropriate color today, because today I am doing a project for work that involves many yellow post-its and many yellow highlights. I have to enter hundreds and hundreds of names into a database, and seeing as how it is very monotonous , I am more than happy to focus on pretty colors. I'm also glad I get to work at home in my own office, at my own pace.

It was Andrea's idea (she's my blogging hero yet again) to continue the color party that started some time ago. It's perfect timing for me, so I don't mind to be lagging behind all these other folks.

Join in the coloriness:

monday: yellow
tuesday: blue/turquoise
wednesday: green
thursday: white or brown or black
friday: orange
saturday: red or purple or pink

getting it

2006-06-14T12:38:00.000-05:00

(Sorry for the lack of photos. Blogger is being annoying and not letting me post an image.)

I'm coming out of an overwhelmed confusion. My thoughts feel so abstract and intangible. Within a month, I've gone from living in a dorm having no idea where I would be living for the summer, much less for the next two years, to staying in a homeless shelter for ten days, to living in my very own house with my very own boyfriend and our very own furniture. I've gone from wishing I had a home, to experiencing life free of possessions, to being completely centered around material needs. “We need silverware, we need salt and pepper, we need book shelves, we need a couch...” is the kind of thinking I've come back to, after a week of talking with people who live on the benches next to the fountain in front of Union Station, hearing them talk of the struggle to find shelter when it rains.

I waver from moment to moment between being driven to get things done around the house and being completely paralyzed. I haven't written here for a while, partly because of how abstract my thoughts are, and partly because I think to myself “if I write, I'm keeping myself from something else I should be doing.” I feel guilty for indulging myself.

But then the words come back to me, of the pastor at the church we attended Sunday of our trip.

“I don't apologize for what I have, because I know what I went through to get it.”

...and that combines in my mind with the words of Mr. Burton who runs the shelter we stayed at. Nobody wants you to feel ashamed for what you have. Just share it.

As I look at paint samples to decide what color to paint the living room, and pick out a comfy reading chair for my office, I remind myself that feeling guilty for what I have won't help me help anyone. Creating a beautiful life that motivates me to see the beauty everywhere will.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one.”
Stella Adler

deep breath

2006-06-05T08:04:00.000-05:00

It's been hard to reflect because of the things that have been happening this past month, most of which I was completely unprepared for.

- I took Lucy to the vet a couple weeks ago, thinking she was having digestive problems. As it turned out, she was severely anemic, and her abdominal and chest cavities had filled with fluid so she was unable to take air into her lungs. The vet suspected she had cancer. It was a complete shock to us, but it was recommended that we allow her to be put to sleep that day. I've never made such a painful decision. Both Adam and I were able to be there with her as she was put to rest painlessly and peacefully, which we were thankful for. I can't think about it anymore right now. There have been many tears.

You can read about how Lucy came into my life here, and see Adam's Mascot Monday tributes to her here, here, here, and here.

- I traveled to Washington DC with 12 other people from campus, on a trip called "Crossroads of the Powerful and the Powerless." We lived in the world's largest homeless shelter for 10 days, working and getting to know the residents and volunteers (who are also residents). In the afternoons, we would venture to Capitol Hill to meet with state representatives and tour the buildings from which our country is managed. We discussed issues of power, wealth and faith with each other and with those we met everywhere from the street to the Capitol. It was an unforgettable experience. I'm still processing all that happened.

- Adam and I have moved into our new home. We just got our internet connection hooked up on Saturday, and my computer is being worked on so I have to use Adam's. But we're getting settled in, taking it one room at a time. It feels lonely without Lucy, but we're happy to be with each other. This is our first home together, and so far we're having a great time making it ours.

m.i.a.

2006-05-11T18:59:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed I've been missing in action for a while. Things have been just a little crazy. But I've made it through the worst of it (I think). The wedding went well. I finished up classes. I went to Anaheim, CA. I made it through finals. And... at the last possible second, in a whirlwind of syncronicity, I found a house for me and Adam to rent. It's such a huge stress lifted off my shoulders, and I am already thinking of how I'm going to decorate. It's a big old house with wood floors and a nice back yard. I just found it yesterday, signed the lease this morning, and we move in this weekend! I haven't had a chance to even take pictures yet, but they'll be up soon enough.

Sorry if this post is a little overly-enthusiastic. I'm a bit high energy right now, having been so stressed out for so long about so many different things, and then having all that stress seemingly lifted at once. I think I actually qualify right now as being giddy.

photobooth friday - marriage week edition

2006-04-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

(Me and Adam on the left, Summer and James on the right)

Tomorrow is the big day.

James and Summer are getting married tomorrow. Adam is getting a little nervous about his officiating role, but we have a long car ride ahead of us today, during which he is going to run through all his “lines” and work out the kinks.

Adam and I had a long conversation last night about an issue we had some disagreement about. It reminded me of all the work that marriage is... but of how rewarding it can be when you've worked things out. The discussion was a growing experience. He and I decided early on that the “mission” of our relationship is to help each other grow. If we aren't doing that, we aren't doing each other any good being together.

And what a growing experience this wedding has been for us! We're not even the ones getting married, yet we've both been forced to really think sincerely about what marriage means to us. Adam and I have actually suggested/chosen the words Summer and James are using to make their vows to each other. Since we're not married, it's given us a chance to really reflect on what we think marriage should be.

But yesterday, when the four of us went to the mall to get these pictures taken two days before the wedding, it wasn't about the social construct of marriage. It was just about four friends who've helped each other through the transitions from college to adulthood (or, in my case, adulthood to college). Two couples who've been unsure of themselves at times, but who've pulled through all those difficulties and, when it comes down to it, just have fun together.

From the photos, it may not appear that we've acclimated to adulthood all that well. But I'm ok with that.

Many thanks to Andrea for thinking up photobooth friday. I wouldn't have thought to visit the photobooth right before their wedding without it, and we all had such a fun and memorable time.

More about photobooth friday here and here.

- marriage week - day 3

2006-04-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

(Photo was taken a year after I got married by a friend who was studying photography.
She is now, incidentally, dating my ex.)

Marriage is a decision. A commitment.

I used to believe that marriage is about love, but I no longer believe that to be necessarily true.

I shared this thought with Adam yesterday, and he thought it sounded cold and depressing... and I agreed. But when you get down to it, that's what marriage is. An agreement. A decision. A commitment.

There are two funny myths about marriage.

Myth #1: Once you get married, everything changes.

Myth #2: Once you get married, nothing changes.

Does a soirée involving a white dress, some rings, and a cake change everything? Of course not. Once married, you are still the same two people, the same couple. But what often changes are expectations, both from the two lovers and from the rest of the world. Suddenly, you are expected to get joint bank accounts, to file your taxes together (happy belated tax day, by the way!), to spend holidays together, to not attend family gatherings partnerless, to have children, to agree on stuff.

And sometimes, one of you holds expectations about the roles you both should play-- sometimes without realizing that you hold that expectation. She expects that he will always have a job. He expects that she won't have a social life without him. Or about characteristics based on your parents' relationship: he expects that she will nag him, she expects that he won't respect her freedom.

The key, I think, is to be clear on what this commitment means to both of you before entering into it, what meanings you attach to the idea of "marriage", from day to day behavior to the role this person plays in the grand scheme of your life... and to realize that some of those meanings or expectations may be unrealistic.

The relationship that makes up a marriage and the marriage itself are really, if you think about it, two entirely separate entities. I have seen married couples who don't have much of a relationship by my standards, yet their marriage is going strong. And I have seen couples with a strong and powerful relationship whose marriages don't work out, or don't even exist.

Perhaps it is important to understand this, to really think about how marriage relates to your relationship, and to honestly rank one as a priority over the other. To my ex, and initially to me, marriage was more important that our relationship. He would have rather stayed married in an unhappy relationship than be close but no longer married. But I came to want a healthy relationship more than an strong marriage. And I think he, too, now values that we still have a friendship more than resents the fact that we got divorced.

I am sure there are people who disagree, but I at least think it is an interesting idea. Which is more important to you? A happy relationship, or a lifelong marriage? If you had to choose one without the other, which would it be?

– marriage week – day 2

2006-04-17T19:39:00.000-05:00

What to me is an ideal marriage?

1. It adapts to fit both our lives. It changes with the times and the years and circumstances.

How terribly Gen X does that make me sound? Expecting that the timeless institution of MARRIAGE should change to fit my life? How selfish does it make me to expect that in committing my life to a partner, that partner should adapt to my needs...

But no, wait. That isn't what I'm saying. I'm not saying that the other person is supposed to conform to whatever are my wants and desires. I'm saying that the relationship should reflect us as we both change and grow.

Let's say I'm married, and there is a time when we both have great opportunities to work in jobs that are in different cities. Maybe one of us feels that the opportunity is not worth being apart. But maybe we both want to see what we can learn from the experiences, so one of us moves, and the other stays, and we see how it works. But we still love each other, and we're still committed to each other, and we still want to be together in the long run.

2. We want to be together. We enjoy spending time together. We can be sitting in a car together, talking or not talking, and still enjoying each other's company. We can be working through painful or difficult problems, but we're working through them because afterward, we want to come out stronger and closer.

3. We respect each other. We don't habitually make jokes at the other's expense, to friends, family, or to each other. We are both willing to do our share of work, and willing to take on extra when the other is stressed. But we communicate when we need help, rather than being passive aggressive, or trying to take on too much.

4. We can seek counseling together if things are going wrong, rather than letting things deteriorate. We act on this before it is too late. In times of extreme difficulty, we would both make fixing the problems in our marriage our first priority, with equal effort on both sides. We are be able to forgive each other.

5. We respect each other's interests. I will have interests that my partner doesn't share, but he shouldn't resent or make fun of those interests, rather he should delight in my enthusiasm for things that add variety to both our lives. Likewise, my partner will have interests that I don't share, but he must have the space to enjoy them, and I should support him and appreciate that he is a different person from me. Also, we would pursue some interests together.

6. We find the balance between freedom and commitment. We encourage each other to be individuals, to have alone time, to have social time with other friends. But we don't neglect to spend quality time together regularly.

7. We travel regularly together.

8. It is a timeless friendship, full of laughter, good memories, and closeness. We are a comfort to each other. We appreciate each other, and communicate openly. We learn each other.

9. We are very attracted to each other, making sure to let each other know this openly. We enjoy both quiet physical closeness and crazyintensewildfabulouspassion, depending on our mood.

10. We do things for each other to make everyday life more fun, like leaving notes for each other, surprising each other, and being playful.

oops

2006-04-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

almost forgot.

happy easter.

bridal explosion

2006-04-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

Adam's roommates, James and Summer, are getting married next weekend. He and I are somewhat centrally involved in the festivities, as Adam is officiating the ceremony and I am helping coordinate many details (I have both been to and been involved in many weddings in the past, including, of course, my own). I will write more about the details of that later.

Right now I am thinking about what exactly marriage is. I have quite the love/hate sort of relationship with weddings. I think weddings are beautiful. I love the idea of planning a big party for two people who love each other, and celebrating who they are together that they wouldn't be on their own. But I also fear the life after that, the potential stagnancy, the inflexibility of a bond that is so differently defined any given year by any given couple, yet expected to be so consistent.

This is kind of a big issue in my life, for a couple reasons. First, I used to be married, and am now divorced. The promise I made, in front of God and my family and friends, to love and be with my husband no matter what he did or said, no matter if he was sick or healthy, no matter if we were rich or poor...I chose to break it.

What happened that I didn't account for was not so much how he changed, but how I changed. I was 18 when I committed my 30-year-old and 40-year-old and 65-year-old selves to that marriage, and by the time I had become just my 23-year-old self, I could see that I had fooled myself. At 18, I believed I had reached my full potential, I knew all I needed to know about myself and about the world and about relationships. I knew what my parents had done wrong with me, and why I was the way I was. And to be fair, I probably knew myself better than the average 18-year-old knows themselves. But I thought I had reached the end. I thought I was as good as I was going to get.

Obviously, my illusion slowly shattered. As I experienced the intense personal questioning that comes on during what is most people's college years, I kept finding my mind blocked because I was in a bond that was too small for me and that couldn't grow or change. I agonized over the decision for over a year, but eventually, the five year marriage came to an end, and a wonderful (and much more natural-feeling) friendship with my ex has blossomed in its place.

The second reason I often try to make sense of marriage is that I am now in love, and ponder perhaps getting married in the future. But I waver back and forth on what this would mean, what would be my motives, what difference marriage would make.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim this to be – Marriage Week – here at borrowedmuse. My blogging during this week leading up to James & Summer's wedding shall be committed to the topic of marriage, in an attempt to discover what exactly it all means. I encourage those of you who read but don't comment (because I know you're there) to take this opportunity to comment often. Your thoughts will be quite welcome.

photobooth friday

2006-04-07T19:29:00.000-05:00

One of my best friends in junior high was Nat. Nat was actually her middle name. She's from Thailand, and her full name I wouldn't do justice trying to spell. Her first and last name were each four syllables long, so telling people her name was 'Nat' was much easier than trying to get them to pronounce her full name correctly.

We haven't talked in many years. We lost touch a while after she went on vacation with my family for a week. When we returned from the trip, her mom picked her up at our house and informed her they had moved while we were gone. She went to a new school that was a little more "ghetto" than the one we'd been going to together.

Shortly after she moved, one of our mutual friends (who, for the sake of this story I'll call Stacy) began talking badly about Nat behind her back, joking that Nat was turning into a slut, was going to get pregnant, etc. One day, I abruptly stopped talking to Stacy, because I didn't like her saying mean things about someone we were both friends with, then pretending to be friends with her to her face. Nat seemed to think Stacy was a good friend, and didn't understand why I stopped talking to her. I never told Nat why I did it, because it would have required me to tell her the things Stacy was saying about her. Looking back on this, I think I did the right thing, though I always felt bad about it. I think this misunderstanding led to Nat becoming close friends with Stacy, and me losing touch with both of them. Ahhh, teen drama.

This picture was taken on Nat's 13th birthday, July 2, 1992, when she and I went with another friend to the Americana Amusement Park. There are also pictures of the three of us, but I'll save those for another time.

Please note my fantastically crooked teeth. What wonderfully awkward days those were.

More stories captured in photobooths by the wonderful hulaseventy and others, found here!

sunshine

2006-04-03T17:03:00.000-05:00

Life has been a little rough lately. Not for me so much as for people close to me.

This is just to spread some sunshine.

must see

2006-03-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

We flew directly over sea world when we were in florida. It made me think of Shamu, and when we came back, I ended up finding this online:

http://www.shamu.com/ca/shamu-cam/

I could watch it for hours!

photobooth friday

2006-03-24T09:33:00.000-05:00

The weekend before our trip, Adam and I spontaneously went to the Tuttle Mall to find the photobooth there. We walked the length of the mall; I could swear I'd seen the booth somewhere in the middle aisle of the ground floor. We searched the entire mall and were ready to give up, when for some reason Adam said “lets just walk down this way again, just to check.” We strolled on in the direction we'd already been. Suddenly, I spotted it tucked behind a bunch of plants near a kids play area, like a tiger hiding in the grass. They'd moved it to a new location, and it was a stroke of incredible luck that I noticed it at all. (That's what I call teamwork.)

It was not an authentic, vintage photobooth but rather the new kind that prints two perforated strips of color digital shots that you can choose various “fun” backgrounds for. Fortunately, we could select plain, black & white shots. And we did.

I had hoped to search for photobooths in Florida, but we had little time on the ground to explore. We didn't leave Columbus until Friday morning and had to come back on Sunday. (I had actually tried to post this photo before we left on Friday, but technical problems prevented it.)

But the brevity of the trip hardly matters to me, because I got to travel with my favorite person. On our journeys, we share the adventures I have always craved. The talks we have as we travel, the fun of just sitting next to each other watching the scenery pass, the glimpses into new places, the memories we make, these are things I live for.

I think this idea of “enjoying the journey” is the very reason I'm so drawn to photobooth strips. Not only do they capture a moment, but they capture a series of moments. They represent perfectly the moment-to-moment variety, spontaneity, and unpredictability of life itself. Just like traveling.

savoring

2006-03-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

What a fabulous trip it was. I had to pounce right back into regular life immediately afterward so I haven't had much time to catch up on writing, but I am working on starting a flickr account to post my many photos from the trip. It was just a three day trip, when I had originally hoped it would be five. But I lived it up for those three days. Best. Spring Break. Ever.

It's that time of the semester when I have to figure out what classes I'll be registering for next semester. I always find it so exciting. I know I sound like such a nerd, but I love school, learning new things every day, switching to a completely new schedule and new topics every semester.

My mother, who has been an unhappy person for as long as I can remember, is always attributing the passion I have for my life to youth, thus, she is convinced it is out of her reach. Which is funny because the people I'm in school with can't even believe how old I am (26 is, after all, closer to 30 than 20), yet I'm far more passionate about what I'm doing than many of them. I have to believe it's all relative. I have professors and friends in their 50s who are more energetic and alive than my mom probably was in her 20s. This is helpful for me to keep in mind when those negative ideas about aging that were planted in my brain during childhood creep up on me. Youth isn't about age, it's about digging in. It's about savoring moments. Like when you have just 20 minutes to spend at the beach. If you breathe deeply and take it all in, those 20 minutes last as long as a full day.

I have no idea where this quote is from, but it's one of my favorites of all time:

“It is ordinary to love the marvelous, but marvelous to love the ordinary.”

zen sandwich

2006-03-16T14:35:00.000-05:00

Still in Columbus. Trip to Florida delayed again until tomorrow.

But I am at peace with this. Yesterday I got a little emotional and disappointed, but I worked through it. Today, I'm having another nice day at home catching up on some correspondences and some school work, and just taking it easy.

For lunch I decided to make myself a sandwich, but not before I took a bite out of one end of the croissant I was going to make the sandwich with. After I sliced the croissant, I realized it looked like a whale, or a paisley pattern, and then I realized I could make a yin/yang symbol out of both slices. I looked at it. I took a picture of it. I ate it. I pondered.

Leave it to me to find spiritual significance in a my lunch.

spring break: day six

2006-03-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it didn't turn out to be the weather that delayed us, but business logistics (that's code for “Adam's co-workers are big fat poopy-heads”). So, even though we were supposed to be flying to Florida today, it looks like it won't be until either tomorrow or possibly even Friday. I'm handling my disappointment well, though. It helps me to give Adam frequent reminders that I am the best girlfriend ever for being so understanding and patient about the delay of a trip I've been exploding with excitement about.

Here are a few of the things I've done today instead of flying to Florida:

1. drove to the municipal office to drop of Adam's grant proposal for the conference he's in charge of. Took Lucy with me, just to get her out of the house.

2. wavered between laughing and crying at the fact that it snowed last night. Laughing because I'm going to be leaving the snow for florida. Crying because I didn't leave today.

3. took Lucy for a walk around a park that we'd never been to before. They had a cool looking skateboarding-thingy. I don't know what you'd call it, like a big paved area with ramps and curves. It made me wish I could skateboard.

4. had a bowl of cereal back at home.

5. watched an episode of Judging Amy. That's right. I watched television. *gasp* ok, I actually watched two episodes of Judging Amy. I'm on spring break. I can indulge a little.

6. had my favorite kind of salad: field greens with dried cranberries and butter toffee glazed sliced almonds in red wine vinaigrette dressing. mmm...

7. picked out my outfits for each day of the trip, and put in a load of laundry.

Next on my list is to take a shower, have a cup of coffee and some of the yummy blueberry bread Adam made yesterday (do I have the best boyfriend in the world or what?) and catch up on some reading. This vacation thing isn't so bad.

spring break: day three

2006-03-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

So, over the last couple weeks, I've been really busy. A couple weeks ago, I went to Pittsburgh for the Jubilee conference and had a great time downtown with Taylor and Kelly. For that weekend, downtown Pittsburgh had been overrun with about 2,000 Christian college kids, perhaps making it temporarily the safest city in America. The three of us had a great time taking pictures of the cityscape, until a security guard came up to us and said there are security cameras all over the place watching us and we've got to stop taking pictures of the tops of buildings because he's getting all kinds of calls about us. After September 11, he said, you just can't do that.

So, then we went to a pizza shop and discussed how we didn't like the idea of Christians converting Muslims and other spiritual ideas that we realized would make us even more suspicious if the security guards were still listening in on our conversation.

Other than that, though, life has just been moving quickly. I'm already on spring break, and am for the first time excited about being on vacation from school. Today I'm headed down to Circleville for a recording session with Lift, and tomorrow I'm driving to Michigan to take my friend Josh to a monastery. Tuesday I'm going to do schoolwork all day to get caught up on work. Then Wednesday, assuming the weather is good enough, Adam and I fly to Florida.

Now, of course, when most people say they're flying somewhere, they mean they're getting on an airline and being flown somewhere. But not us. Adam is piloting the plane, I'll be his navigator, and we shall get into a little plane like this one and fly down first to North Carolina, then to Miami, then Cape Coral for his cousin's wedding on Saturday.

It's already only three days into spring break. Technically, only two days into it, but Friday was so much fun, I'm counting it as day one. I spent the evening with Kelly and Bobby, watching a movie (Adrienne also joined us for part of the movie) and heading out to Bono's Pizza in Kilbourne, and just having an all around fun evening. Yesterday, Adam and I stocked up on delicious food for break, and visited a photobooth in the mall so I can finally start contributing to hula seventy's Photobooth Friday (but you'll just have to wait till Friday to see it!), had dinner at Chick-fil-a, and laughed a lot.

Already, it's been the best spring break ever. And the rest of the break is promising to be even better. As long as the weather holds out...

craziness

2006-03-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten you... honestly, I do still love you, dear blog. Life, however, has of late been very demanding of my time. My mind has been scattered in every direction, all the different facets of life coming to a head at seemingly the same time.

Next week, my coming salvation, will be spring break. This is the first break from school that I have looked forward to, throughout all of college so far. I will have time to write then. Promise.

(This picture is of my reflection in a mirrored stegosaurus. As I snapped it, a security guard approached and asked us to stop taking pictures of downtown Pittsburgh, as it was a risk to national security. More on that next time.)

bah, humbug

2006-02-14T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have a confession.

I am quite fond of saying I am the valentines day scrooge. I've said it perhaps four times throughout the day to different people. I act all stand-offish and act like I think valentines day is a big corporate hoax to get people to buy flowers and chocolates and cards. I say the whole thing gets on my nerves.

But it's a lie.

Secretly.... secretly I want to wear pink glittery nail polish and paint hearts on my cheeks with lipstick and walk around shooting nerf love-darts at everybody.

So, why the act?

To be fair, I have traumatic early memories regarding shameless confessions of love for people. Derrick, who sat next to me in kindergarten, one day kissed me on the cheek in the middle of class. Everybody laughed and I was embarrassed, but later I decided I should do something in return, so I picked him some flowers on the playground. When I offered them to him, he tossed them on the ground saying “flowers are for girls.” In third grade, I decided to risk love once again, so I sent Tremayne a valentine on which I'd written “I love you. P.S. Don't tell anyone!” Of course, he told everyone, and I decided it best to deny that it was even from me. Later on, in junior high and high school when they'd deliver carnations or candy or messages to your friends in class on V-Day, not once did I ever receive anything. Not once!

...Until...

Senior year, I became friends with this very sweet guy who was in both my English and Government classes. We loved talking to each other, such that we soon resorted to writing notes back and forth, discussing any topic you can imaging. On Feb. 14 of my senior year, the school was delivering cans of “Crush” soda as valentines, and he sent me one. We were just friends, but for some reason I kept the “To Robyn, From Adam” message that was delivered along with that can, and it meant so much to me.

Of course, five months later I married a guy from my church, and the sweet guy from high school moved to Belgium.

But somehow—and it's still sort of a blur to me how it all happened—somehow, here we are. Eight years later, February 14, we've been together for two and a half years. Adam has invited me down to his house where he has offered to cook dinner for me, and we're going to enjoy a nice red wine and a mystery movie, and cuddle.

So, I guess by now, I should be over that whole valentine's day scrooge thing, huh?

winter machine

2006-02-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to feel like this whole winter thing is getting a little out of hand. It had gotten all nice and springish in january, convincing my mind and the flower bulbs that it was done snowing for the year. (Of course, last year it snowed in April, two weeks before school let out for “summer” vacation, so I should have known.) But the cold air came back. And whenever the temperature shifts back and forth like that, I get sick.

Thus, here I am, hanging out with the Lucy-dog for the weekend while Adam is in . . . guess . . . Florida. He called yesterday from Palm Beach with his feet in the atlantic ocean. I was fantastically happy to hear from him, and to know he was thinking of me at the beach. It made me feel just a little less stuck here. He said he hesitated to call because he didn't want me to feel like he was taunting me, but I wasn't frustrated that he called.

The frustrating part is simply that I'm sick, and that I know it's Ohio's fault. Last time I went down to florida, I remember being able to breathe better, I was even able to smell again. (In case I haven't mentioned it before, my sense of smell doesn't work.) Yet, here I am, in central Ohio, coughing every time I inhale, my nose red and sore from all the kleenex. The ground outside is frozen and dead. The sky is blank. The trees are naked. I took Lucy on a walk yesterday morning and there was a small tree that literally looked like it was shivering in the cold, its dead, dry leaves trembling miserably. We've got at least two more months of this kind of weather.

On the plus side, over my spring break Adam and I might get to fly down to florida for his cousin's wedding. As long as we take a couple detours for some photo sites, he can take the company plane for free. I was looking yesterday at national and state park websites to see where we could tent camp instead of paying for hotels.

In the mean time, I shall continue to enjoy my cold, overcast, homework-and-laundry-filled weekend.

friday the 13th

2006-02-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

There's a lot that's great about having a pilot for a boyfriend. He loves what he does. People enjoy hearing about his work. He travels often and it gives us a nice chance to miss each other, keeping the relationship fresh. Last weekend he took me flying with him and I got to see Columbus from above. . . .

But even with benefits like that, there are certain aspects to dating a pilot that are usually easiest not to think about. Unfortunately, sometimes, they're impossible to ignore.

I was staying at his house over winter break. It was an unusually windy day, the kind that causes the outside walls of the house make those nervous shifting noises. Around noon, I decided to call him, just to make sure he wasn't going to fly in such gusty weather, but I couldn't find my cell phone. There's no way he'd be out in this weather, I assured myself.

That evening when he came home:

“Hi!” said I.

“Hi!” said he.

“How are you?” said I.

“Uh... I am ok!” he exclaimed with an odd dramatic quality in his voice.

“Did you get fired?” I asked jokingly.

“No,” he responded assertively. “I have been assured that I definitely am not fired.”

That was not a response I was expecting.

“Did you crash?” was my next logical question.

“Yeah,” he replied, and quickly added before I could freak out, “but I'm ok!”

It was on the evening news. Two pilots (Adam was in the co-pilot seat, his co-worker was flying) got out of this plane unharmed at Port Columbus Airport on Friday the 13^th. Their front wheels had just landed on the runway when a burst of wind essentially caused the back end to go up in the air and they skidded for about 20 feet down the runway nose-first.

So, that kind of thing not my favorite thing about dating a pilot. But right now, while he's in Dallas, or yesterday when he was flying back from New Jersey, I don't think about that. I think about the fact that he's really living, that he could have kept studying Electrical Engineering and he could be sitting for 8 hours every day in a cubicle. Instead, he spends days at a time flying through the air, across the country, taking pictures of the ground below.

“Avoiding danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” - Helen Keller

in my solitude

2006-01-23T22:46:00.000-05:00

For some reason on Friday night I felt moved to scan pictures from the old family albums that I hijacked from my dad's house last time I visited. This one caught my attention, because it pretty much represents my childhood. As an only child, I was my own playmate. At the beach, I invented a game called “big-a-bye” which involved moving sand from one location to another and saying “big-a-bye”. I could play it all by myself. (Although, sometimes Dad would join in.)

In a way, it looks kind of sad, to see this little girl sitting alone in the sand. And that's probably the reason why I feel so grateful for the wonderful friendships I have now.

But I don't view the loneliness of my childhood as a bad thing. I got to know myself so well, I did so much searching of my own mind and soul, so much contemplation, even as young as in this photo. I would lie awake at night for hours, envisioning my future, figuring out what I wanted out of life. Solitude came to be something that I was never afraid of; rather in solitude, I found solace.

I don't often seek to spend time alone anymore. I have gotten into the habit of wanting to be around people more often than being by myself. But I suspect this is largely because my alone time has become less contemplative, more practical, more of a time to “get things done.” This picture reminds me how enjoyable it can be to just ponder in private the silent wonder of the world.

goals for 2006

2006-01-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

Having been off school for the last couple weeks, I've had lots of time on my hands. For the most part, I've been very unproductive, treating the vacation time as a vacation. I've felt guilty for that a lot of the time, but when I look back on how much I've accomplished in this past year, how much has changed and how hard I've worked, it's put me a little more at peace with taking some time off.

I've also spent some time looking at what I want to accomplish over the next year. From most years in the past, I'm used to having a great deal of personal overhaul kinds of goals, big financial hurdles to jump, and finding major direction in life.

But I've learned in this life of transitions I'm living that, as a student, it doesn't make sense to expect to have a lot of time and energy on your hands other than for classes, because frankly, school itself meets a lot of those big directional goals. Just being in school is in itself one of my biggest long term goals, and is a step in accomplishing many of the others. And I can't really move on to more, especially financially or career-wise, until school is over.

Do you realize how freeing that is? That basically leaves all my non-school related efforts to taking care of myself physically and emotionally, since my intellectual needs are being met, and college life also keeps me socially active. Everything else just needs to be maintained.

So, most of my goals this year have ended up being creative ones. Listed here are not all the specifics, but some general outline for what things I hope to improve this year. For the ones that are not entirely self-explanatory, I will elaborate on them in coming entries.

Creative:

i will write three poems per week

i will draw/paint/create three things per week

i will begin playing out regularly again... return to the singer/songwriter life and become part of Columbus' music scene
i will continue piano lessons and begin guitar lessons, practicing daily

i will create themed topics of thought and exploration for myself on a regular basis, as writing prompts and artistic themes, keeping track of these in my small moleskine

i will participate in the bi-weekly photography challenge with Adam
i will update my blog at least twice a week

i will create at least four audio docs, one of at least 40 minutes

i will contribute more to my themed photo collections

Personal/Home/Financial:

i will get an apartment i like/permanent housing (in time for summer vacation)

i will manage my study time/recreation time better and plan out school days

i will figure out a way to earn a stable living until graduation

i will figure out a way to earn a stable living (and pay off student loans quickly) after graduation

i will establish a ritual to help me wake up better/easier in the mornings

i will begin regularly putting money in my savings account

i will get my computer fixed

i will get some old but sturdy suitcases for storage

i will not buy anything i don't absolutely need or absolutely love

i will travel to someplace I've never been before, out of state

Physical:

i will take a daily multivitamin
i will start running again

ripple effect

2006-01-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

Before coming to school, I had held numerous jobs over the years. My favorite, and the one I held seasonally for about five years, was as office assistant for a self-employed mime and juggler turned motivational lecturer.

(I will pause here for a moment here so everyone can get all the mime jokes out of their system. “Did he talk when he was in the office?” “Did you have to let him out of the glass box?” “Were his lectures pantomimed?” etc. etc. Ready to move on now?)

Curtis was a mime and juggler for 25 years before making the transition to lecturing, but is was a natural transition considering how goal-oriented he was, and how motivating he was to be around.

When I was growing up, every year my dad always would make a list of “new years resolutions” on new years day. He'd write his list of resolutions on the back side of a used envelope. They were things like “read more” or “exercise regularly” and other such typical types of goals. He knew as well as I did that this ritual was to make himself feel better for the day, but was pretty much forgotten by the next week if not sooner.

That was what the idea of “setting goals” represented to me. A nice ritual to fool yourself in to believing you'll accomplish more than you actually will.

Until working for Curtis.

When he and his wife Michelle would sit down and set goals, it wasn't just on new years day. They would do this monthly, regularly. This entrepreneurial couple didn't just set goals like “read more” but they would establish what it would take to achieve that goal, such as “read at least one book per month”. They would measure their progress on each goal throughout the year. They would plan each week, even each day, keeping in mind what their long term goals were.

I had never seen anything like this. Self-discipline, planning, follow-through. These were principles that I had been told were important my whole life, they sounded so cliché to me, but never had I seen them in action. Never had I had an example of this behavior, carried out so effectively.

Without Curtis and Michelle's influence, I don't think I'd be in school right now. I don't think I'd have had the follow-through or the courage to apply for college, I don't think I'd have gotten out of debt after getting divorced (of course, I'm back in debt now, thanks to student loans, but that's all part of the plan...), I don't think I'd have had the strength to get through a divorce and face all my fears about what people would think of me and how to accept a new idea of the future. I don't think I would have found this new life that I find so very fulfilling and exciting and satisfying. I wouldn't have the wonderful friendships I've found, or all the amazing experiences and adventures I've had in the past three years.

8 days of birthday bliss

2006-01-01T18:55:00.000-05:00

To understand the full value of this, let me explain what normally happens when you have a birthday on new years eve.

New years is that holiday that always gets forgotten until after christmas is over. Having a birthday on an often overlooked holiday makes the birthday doubly easy to overlook, because you've only barely thought of the holiday and aren't about to go remembering that someone's birthday is that same day. The last time I can remember a friend calling me on my birthday was in high school... from a friend who had the same birthday. (Remember, high school for me was over in 1998.) I say this not to throw myself a pity party, but to demonstrate just how fantastic this birthday was.

To start with, Adam started giving me birthday gifts even before christmas. The man spoiled me with 8 days of birthday gifts. 8 days, folks. Then on thursday, two days before my birthday, the two of us were in the basement watching his new dvd's of “The West Wing” and Summer, Adam's housemate (and mine too, when I live with them during school vacations) and an amazing dessert chef whose birthday is also on new years eve, came down to interrupt... with an enormous and delicious chocolate chip birthday cookie. (I've never much liked birthday cake; understand that this cookie was the perfect dessert for me.) It was bigger than a pizza, and fresh out of the oven.

Then, when the birthday actually arrived, we went out for breakfast to a favorite french cafe with my dad, his girlfriend, and my sister (the latter two, for future reference, will be referred to as "the Audreys" as they are both named Audrey). After they left, I ripped into the grand finale of gifts from Adam, and we got dressed up to go downtown for drinks and appetizers at Martini's, a fantastic restaurant in the short north.

We rang in the new year at home with James and Summer, playing catch-phrase. Perhaps the best part of the whole day, though, was the number of calls and messages I got that evening from friends wishing me a happy birthday and new year. I have a tendency to get rather depressed around midnight, realizing another birthday has passed, another year gone by. Feelings of nostalgia and loneliness sneak up on me. But this year, I didn't have so much as a twinge of depression. I did come close to getting choked up hearing Dick Clark's impeded speech from his apparently having suffered a stroke, but that was mostly because it was inspiring.

Complete birthday bliss was what the whole thing was.

So far, I like being 26.

all is calm, all is bright

2005-12-29T16:33:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it. Christmas has officially been survived by me. Adam and I shared one of the most special christmas eves ever. I had been all back-and-forth on what I wanted to do for the holiday, because holidays have been difficult for me over the past couple years. We finally decided to spend christmas eve and christmas morning together and then head to our respective families on christmas afternoon.

I was wanting to make things feel a little more traditional, so we searched online and found a nice, traditional-seeming church to attend a candlelight christmas eve service. We drove out into the country to find the church, parked, walked in the door and were welcomed and handed candles. But as we entered the sanctuary, the large overhead screen displaying an animated “welcome” message and the loud, upbeat piano/brass ensemble were the complete opposite of what I had been hoping for. This did not feel peaceful or moving or traditional. I sat there for about ten minutes, trying to decide if this could fulfill my need for a quiet, simple christmas activity. I decided it could not, and Adam, who was being nothing but supportive, got up with me and we left, taking with us the candles they'd handed us at the door. That's right. We stole candles from a church on christmas eve, and skipped the church service.

Once we were in the car, we lit the candles and laughed about the whole scenario. Another car even honked at us as we waved the candles while driving down the road. Before going home, we stopped at a gas station convenience store and bought ice cream to enjoy with the bottle of champagne that was waiting for us.

The night did, in the end, turn out to be wonderfully simple, not to mention spontaneous and fun.

I made it through the next day's family festivities largely unscathed. And then Adam and I got to go skiing with my sister and my dad and his girlfriend. It was only the second time I'd gone skiing, and it was a blast.

Now, I sit here, winding down after all the gatherings and all the visiting. I can't say we formed any lasting or meaningful christmas traditions (at least I hope not to make a tradition out of stealing from churches), but I made it through with plenty of good memories. That's good enough for me. Hope your holidays gave you good memories too, and maybe even some cheer.

simplify

2005-12-20T23:55:00.000-05:00

I need to simplify my thoughts about the holidays. When I was a kid, I remember almost driving my parents crazy in December, as I tried to instigate various traditions to create some feeling of stability and consistency. My parents were always anything but stable, my life anything but routine. This volatility was something I adapted to rather readily, such that I grew to practically abhor routine.

However, there was something about the christmas season that always felt different. Like an annual anchor. Something about this time of year prompted me to insist that things be somewhat predictable. If one year the star was the last thing we put on the tree, the next year it became very important to not only put the star on very last, but to make a big ceremony of it. If one year we made christmas cookies, I would insist the next year that we not forget to have our “christmas cookie day” as if it had been a long standing tradition. If one year in the car I saw lots of christmas lights at night, I would remind my parents the next year that we need to go on our yearly christmas light drive. Since I didn't have siblings as a kid (my sister wasn't born until I was 12), it was mostly up to me to get excited about and carry on these traditions, although my dad helped.

Life is completely different now than it was then. My parents are divorced, I live in a different city, I have a sister who never shared in most of those traditions (she's practically a different generation), I don't have a particular house or living room in which I want to spend christmas morning watching people open their gifts that I couldn't buy them because I'm a college student with zero income. I've let go of all these attachments to all these traditions, yet I still keep hoping for the familiarity of them to magically creep up. I keep wanting that feeling of stability and consistency, and as a result, I'm putting a great deal of unwarranted expectations on the holiday season.

Maybe there's a way for me to just slow down and enjoy the little nuances that make this year unique and special. Maybe somehow I can look forward to a christmas and a new year that will be different from any other. Maybe I can just take it one day at a time, without big holiday expectations, without need for attachment to the past or assurance of stability of the future, but just enjoy the moment. Maybe I can take pleasure in simple, passing beauties, rather than needing to latch on to them the way I used to.

Ironically, this post about simplifying is one of my longest posts ever.

things that are making me happy these days

2005-12-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

my leather journal

long conversations about religion, philosophy, relationships, etc...

super cool roommate

choir concert this past weekend (Go Team Alto!)

going out for mexican food after said choir concert with fun people

super cool boyfriend who brought me a beautiful flower at said choir concert

hot showers on cold nights

scarves (the only thing I look forward to about winter besides the first week of snow)

ray lamontagne

queen sized bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

piano lessons

crying in the arms of somebody who understands

personal freedom

making a christmas list

seeing little kids in heavy coats that make their arms stick straight out at their sides

spanakopita

having my morning coffee and croissant in the atrium every morning

finally getting my lowest grade on a music theory test: B-

feeling absolutely surrounded by awesome people, every day.

the dog's fish

2005-12-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

This is the fish. It has no name. It isn't that we don't love the fish, we don't name it for its own good. We've found, through trial and error, that when you name a fish, it quickly dies.

It's the dog's fish. We felt that Lucy needed some company during the day, so we got her a fish. Granted, she can't see into the fish bowl unless she's up on the bed, which she isn't allowed to be on at all really. In fact, Adam just got a new queen sized mattress which is considerably taller than the bed he had before, and Summer was downstairs earlier this week after the mattress had arrived, and said she heard a loud thud on the floor, which she believed to be Lucy trying to jump up on the bed but finding the bed higher than it used to be, so she didn't make it. I suspect she was trying to get up there to have a nice chat with her fish, you know, face to face. But even just the presence of another living thing in the room has got to do something for her.

The fish likes jazz. And fish food. And faces. When I look at the fish, it swims right up to the side of the bowl I'm looking in on, and swims past my eyes very slowly, looking right at me. It's a very intense fish.

thanksgiving break

2005-11-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

On Monday, I drove up to Cleveland to hang out with my friend Bobby. It had been a long time since I'd taken a car trip of that length alone (three hours) and I savored it thoroughly. I listened to music and just stepped aside as my thoughts ran every which way, had some conversations with myself in the car, reflected on life, and drove up the interstate to Lake Erie.

Of course, I wasn't actually supposed to go all the way to Lake Erie, but some slightly mixed up directions allowed me a nice view of the lake, and a quick phone call allowed me to re-direct my course such that I made pretty good time. Bobby and I went out to lunch, and then went back to his house and just hung out, talked with his mom, watched dvd's, and I had a very relaxing time for the rest of my visit.

The drive home the next day was not as quiet (I was on the phone for most of the trip), but still very enjoyable. It had started snowing quite a bit, and the trees around the 271 beltway south-east of Cleveland were quite scenic.

Today, I'm back in my home away from school, back down in Columbus, tucked warmly in the upstairs bedroom with a dog and a goldfish, watching the snow fall.

My to do list today consists of the following:

practice piano
call Grandma
go grocery shopping
turn off coffee maker
eat cookie (see cookie-monster)

That last item was added by James, Adam's roommate, a product designer for a design firm here in Columbus. He added a fantastic little cartoon of Cookie Monster eating cookies.

I had left the list, a pen, and the digital camera on the dining room table, along with a chocolate chip cookie in a bag, while I was practicing piano in the living room. James called to me from the dining room “hey, Robyn, this cookie on the table-- do you know whose it is?”

“yeah, it's mine.” I replied.

“aww, I was hoping it was Adam's. I was going to take pictures of myself eating it.”

He compromised by drawing the Cookie Monster illustration, which I would post if my scanner wasn't back at school. He also took some pictures of himself, not eating the cookie, which I will post, because that's what you get when you take pictures of yourself on someone else's camera.

just not down with the juvenile slang

2005-11-15T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the facebook. That added social facet of college life that no one really can explain. It just exists, connecting us all to each other, often without our knowledge, telling other people things about us of which we may or may not be aware.

Apparently, as I learned last night, the choice of “random play” under what you are “looking for” in your profile does not imply to people that you are interested in spontaneous water balloon fights or late night trips to waffle house or barefoot puddle jumping. Instead, my friend Mike politely informed me that it carries the connotation of casual hooking-up “of the sexual variety.” Personally, the idea of jumping barefoot in puddles sounds a lot more random and playful to me than getting naked with someone you barely know, which to me sounds fairly awkward. My poor, naïve mind. Mike suggested that I must just not be down with the juvenile slang. Sadly, this appears to be the case.

I have removed “random play” reluctantly from my profile. But I still like water balloon fights.

Robyn needs some love

2005-11-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

I've been in something of a strange mood lately. I've been feeling rather restless and incoherent.

So, rather than risk disturbing you with what nonsensical thoughts I might be having right about now, here's one of those “google search for your name + 'needs' and post the results” things. Some are very true. Some less true. Some, I hope are not true. Can you guess which ones are which?

Robyn Needs Your Support!

Robyn needs advice

Robyn needs to be taught a lesson - luckily for her it's the kind of dirty tutorial she enjoys [???]

Robyn needs to be sure

Robyn needs a name

Robyn needs to feel What is Above and not be afraid that It is an enemy

Robyn needs to work on tolerance and understanding

Robyn needs help!

Robyn needs more by way of a biography than those brief words

Robyn needs to stay here

Robyn needs to raise £500,000

Robyn needs input

Robyn needs an apology

Robyn needs to coordinate

Robyn needs to get started on the sequel

Robyn needs wisdom

Robyn needs scribes to help at refugee interviews

Robyn needs a band

Robyn needs it spelled out that she's dumped

Robyn needs to make an album

Robyn needs to contend with male teasing

Robyn needs some love

Robyn needs to tear all these words to shreds.

puppy love

2005-11-08T00:52:00.000-05:00

One day, I went to work, and there was Lucy. I think it was a Monday. She was in a cage, in my office. I said hello, and talked to her for a while, because no one else was there. I didn't know her name, but I spoke to her about who she was and why she was there. I told her she looked like a "Lucy".

I worked for a couple who had a business based out of their home, and when they arrived home, they informed me that they had gotten a new puppy over the weekend. They said they were thinking of naming her either Zoe or Lucy. And Lucy she became.

Bailey, their previous dog, was somewhat traumatized by Lucy's presence, and after the couple had their first child a couple years later, having two dogs became less feasible for them. I jokingly offered to take Lucy off their hands, but it turned out not to be a joke, and she came to live with me.

I didn't know what it meant, before, to be best friends with a dog. It probably sounded silly to me. But she's been too much of an important presence in my life to think her friendship is silly, now. She's comforted me in times of unbearable pain and solitude, she's forced me to think of someone other than myself in times of intense self-absorption, she's shared with me some of the most joyful moments of simplicity my life has known. She's my cohort. She's my nap buddy. She's begging me to pay attention to her rather than type.

where am i?

2005-11-06T13:53:00.000-05:00

It's an undeniably strange thing to be in the life I'm in. Let's review:

I'm 25.
I'm a college sophomore at a small, friendly, residential school, thus I live on campus, in a dorm, completely submersed in college life.
I used to be married, but now I'm divorced.
I have a good amount of work experience and used to be pretty good with my finances back when I had an income and rent to pay. Now I have essentially no income and feel irresponsible with money. Most of my friends have only had part-time summer jobs and are still financially dependent on their parents.
I'm in a relationship with a wonderful boyfriend (Adam) who I was close friends with in high school, so he's my age, but now out of college and working full time, like most people my age.

Lots of people go back to college in their mid 20's. That's no shocker. But most of them do it either by taking evening classes or commuting, not typically upturning their adult life and regressing back to being a full-time, dorm-dwelling, activity-involved, party-going college student.

On a daily basis, when I am going about my life, this doesn't get to me. I have many wonderful, accepting friends, so it doesn't stand out to me that I'm in a different place in life from them. But when things are quiet, when I'm alone, when my emotions feel screwed with, then I feel the conflict within my identity. I feel the dissonance between what I used to be and what I currently exist as.

Generally, Adam bridges this gap, helping me feel authentic, like I'm not faking being someone I'm not. With him in my life, I know I'm not just pretending the parts of my life between 1998-2004 never happened. He's the only person in my day-to-day life who knows me from my married days, who knew me before I came here, thus, I know I have some link to who I was/am. He's my reality check. My life feels balanced with him in it.

But somehow, when he comes into my college life, everything gets shaken up. It's like I can live in both worlds, but not at the same time. I can switch back and forth from college kid to mature adult in long-term relationship, but I can't be both at the same time.

I don't understand why this is. It's hard to be comfortable in a place of such dissonance.

Flat tires suck. New tires, however, kick ass.

2005-11-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

For about three months my car has been vibrating when I drive, such that this morning I noticed that my thumb resting on the steering wheel would continuously shake back and forth about 3/4 of an inch. That's a really weird feeling. Last week, when Bobby was in the car with me, he said his favorite part about riding in my car was watching my arm jiggle as I held the steering wheel. I knew it had to do with the wheels, but I hadn't realized how worn my front passenger-side tire was (the wear was all on the inside of the tire, so it couldn't really be seen without removing the tire) until today, when it finally wore itself out completely. The tire even rolled off the rim, it was completely blown.

In the 9 years I've been a driver, I've been a passenger in cars that got flat tires, 7 times. This was the first time I had gotten a flat while driving.

Adam was close by, so he came and changed the flat and we went to get a new one, but all the tires were pretty worn so I got a whole new set of tires.

The amazing part is, though, that now, my car drives like new. It handles completely differently. I had such a nice drive home, I treated myself to a yummy dinner at Avesta's using off-campus food points when I got back to campus.

As a side note: I feel like I'm terrible at this whole blog thing. I have so much trouble keeping posts at a short, quickly-readable length. If you're reading this, kudos to you and your attention span. I thank you. Let me know if you have any advice for how to keep postings to a comfortable length.

fire tree

2005-11-01T00:05:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago, I met with my academic adviser, who is also my choir director, Mr. Hiester. He has an office that is in the music building which overlooks a very nice courtyard-ish type area with several gorgeous trees. One of the trees in particular had exploded into a fantastic fiery orange. “I'll be honest,” he said to me. “Some mornings I come in to work, and I just stop at the window in the hallway there and stare at that tree with awe.”

It sounded like a scene from a film. I love hearing that other people get the wind knocked out of them from the shock of such beauty. I love learning of other people having quiet moments of deep appreciation for things around us that could so easily be overlooked and taken for granted.

Above is a picture of the same tree, only I took this photo about a week before it turned orange.

once upon a beach

2005-10-30T18:14:00.000-05:00

This is what I'm really missing now.

Just before I started school in 2004, Adam and I got to take a vacation to explore the east coast. It was possibly the most carefree, stress-free, trouble-free week of my life. It was just freeing, in general. First, we stayed at his uncle's high-rise penthouse in downtown Boston with a rooftop view of the city skyline, taking the trolley tour of all the sights Boston has to see. Then we drove down the east coast, took the Cape May Ferry out of New Jersey, and headed to my grandma's and her sister's beach cottage in Bethany Beach, Delaware. A free, private cabin one block from the Atlantic Ocean. Enough said.

Life feels unbearable at the moment. Isn't that strange? I mean, despite all my longings to travel, I am so unbelievably content and happy with where I am in life. I had a fantastically beautiful weekend. Life, both from day to day and on the whole, is ideal. Other than the ageless problem of wanting more money, I can't think of anything I would change. Yet, I can't stand it.

I feel like fussing about all the things that other people could be doing to help me out. Yet, I'm doing nothing to help anyone else, other than trying to make them feel loved and cared for. And I guess that's it. I guess that's what I want. I want to feel valued; I want to not have to ask people to hang out with me or go somewhere with me, but rather have them invite me, have them come to me and say “hey, I want to spend time with you. I haven't been meeting my Robyn quota lately.” I feel like human relationships are so much work, and because it's mostly work that I greatly enjoy, sometimes I get to feeling like I'm the only one putting forth any effort in working at them.

What's worst of all about this problem is that I feel like I just have to keep quiet about it. Because as soon as you start complaining about being lonely, people turn off to you because you sound pitiful, and who wants a pitiful friend/lover/whatever. I am an optimist, and the curse that comes with being an optimist is that people come to expect that from you. You even expect it from yourself. As a result, if you're feeling down, you can get reallllllllly stuck, because you feel like people won't like you if you gripe and vent to them. I feel like I have a face to keep up and people to please, which is miserable, because authenticity is even more important to me. Most of the time my optimism is authentic, but right now I feel like I should just smile and be sweet and friendly and understanding of everybody despite the fact that I feel screwed and ignored and desperately sad, for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.

What thirst is it that feels unquenched? What more can I seek that I haven't already sought? What is it that I'm wanting that I don't have?

Oftentimes, I wonder if I take on stresses from other people. If I'm around people who are troubled, I become troubled for them because I so very much want to help them get through their troubles. What I really need is to figure out how to get through my own, how to get back that free feeling from that most memorable of vacations, without letting other people's troubles and stresses effect me so badly.

travel reminiscence- part III

2005-10-29T12:33:00.000-05:00

In May of 2004, the company I was working for sent me to Boulder, CO for a very boring meeting. I didn't care about the boring meeting though, because in two months later I was quitting the job to go back to school. (They knew this, but they sent me on the trip anyway, which was very cool of them.) I was just excited about the prospect of seeing the rocky mountains.

Sadly, during my three day stay, the weather was of unprecedented cloudiness and fogginess, such that it looked more like Toledo than Boulder. The guy at the desk in the hotel said he'd lived in Boulder all his life and had never seen such a bad streak of weather. But I got a great free dinner at a fancy restaurant in the mountains, and we at least got to drive through the Rockies, even though the mountain peaks were hidden by all the low clouds.

travel reminiscence- part II

2005-10-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

In Fall of 2003, my dad and I took a trip to to the southwestern US. My cousin was getting married in El Paso, so just for fun we flew to Phoenix, rented a car, and drove across Arizona, New Mexico, and into Texas, seeing the sights and taking lots of pictures. On the way back to Phoenix after the wedding, we stopped at White Sands National Monument at sunset, and drove through Saguaro National “Forest” (I'm sorry, but I just can't think of a field of cacti as a forest) searching for the funkiest cactus in Arizona.

The winner:

gotta travel on

2005-10-26T19:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in the midst of a really overwhelming urge to travel. Winter is on it's way, which will no doubt only intensify this craving. Plans are in the works for a couple possible trip in 2006, but finances are a big obstacle such that the future of my participation in these voyages looks sadly fuzzy.

The biggest, most exciting of these possibilities, is Alaska. For the entire summer.

*dramatic pause*

Yeah, that's how I feel about it. I've almost given up already, just because it seems too cool to be real. Or at least too expensive. But I haven't given up hope. The itch to explore the world is a strong one, and such drives can motivate people like me to find a way where it seems there is none.

I've actually done a good bit of traveling in the past couple years, moreso than ever before in my life. But more recently, as a poor college student, I haven't been able to get around as much. So, I feel the urge to reminisce of these travels. I think what I might do, rather than making one huge long post about each of these trips, I'll post a bit about each trip each day this week.

The grand list of travels started in February 2003, with a somewhat random decision to spend a week in Florida visiting my grandparents, who were renting a place for the winter. The trip took place about a month before my ex and I separated, things had been rough at home for a couple months, and it was fantastic to get away and reclaim my freedom a bit. This was the first time I had spent the night in a bed by myself since getting married in July of 1998, the first time I'd been in an airplane since I was 14, the first time I'd been south of Kentucky since I was 10. That trip was what really got me into photography. My grandparents were wonderful tour guides, and were very supportive of (and patient with) my efforts to take pictures of all sorts of random things. It was amazing to escape from the mid-western winter weather, and I actually cried when the first leg of my return flight arrived in Chicago and the pilot announced the temperature outside.

Ohio is the stupidest state in America

2005-10-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

Ohio may have voted to keep gay couples from getting married, but at least hamsters and guinea pigs have finally gained the freedom to live together in matrimonial bliss, according to this article:

[Note: I had a link here to a story in a local paper about a family who had a full out wedding, complete with invitations, a minister, guests, and cake.... for their hamster and guinea pig. They must have taken the story down, however, because the link is no longer functional. Sorry! Wish I'd copied the story. It was ridiculous. They took it so seriously.]

Maybe this is a sign of progress.

?

rainy monday

2005-10-24T15:49:00.000-05:00

I am feeling much more inspired than I have felt in a while. It isn't uncommon for me to find myself feeling this way at this time of year, in the last minute rush to appreciate the fact that it doesn't yet feel like February, while the surrounding Ohio world still has some color in it. But I feel like I'm seizing the opportunity a little more than I have the past couple years. Every outlet for my creativity is being utilized somehow. I'm taking pictures, I'm writing prose and poetry and music, I'm reading and thinking and discussing-- such fabulous discussions I've been having with friends over the past month or two. Life is just so intriguing right now.

My Mondays are almost always insane. I have five classes in one day, going straight through 10:00am-1:00pm, then an hour break, then class again at 2pm, then an afternoon break to do homework (or avoid doing homework by writing for this blog), with another class at 7pm, which goes until 9:00pm.

Last night, I avoided doing my music theory homework and decided to sleep instead, knowing full well I wouldn't have time to finish it by 2:00 today. Miraculously, though, two things happened this morning. First, my 10:00 class was cancelled. Next, I sat down with my newly discovered free hour to complete the music theory homework I thought I had, only to find I didn't have any homework assigned! Instead we had a test, which was ok because I was ready for it.

Despite the fact that it is getting progressively colder throughout the day, I'm finding myself very cozy and happy. I'm in my room now, drinking a warm cup of coffee, eating chocolate chip cookies, listening to good music. I love this room. I just moved in last weekend. Biz dropped by yesterday to see it for the first time, and her mouth literally dropped open when she walked in. It's nice to feel like I finally have a home that's comfortable, even if they still kick me out for Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations!

in honor of the pumpkin

2005-10-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

Saturday, I traveled to Circleville to play an hour long show at the Circleville Pumpkin Show, Ohio's oldest festival, and the "greatest free show on earth" according to the people who run the pumpkin show (if they do say so themselves). It had been quite a long time since I'd played a full solo performance like that, and I felt a little rusty, but it went well and was quite fun, none-the-less.

One of the best things about being on stage during an event like that is the opportunity for people-watching. 100s of people passed in front of that stage as I was up there playing and singing, most of them looking up at me making eye-contact, many of them stopping to watch for a while. I wonder if they knew they were performing for me, as well. So many different stories behind all those eyes. It's always amazing to me how many strangers there are in the world.

Near the end of my performance, as I was on the first verse of "Think of That", I became aware that some sort of parade was coming down the street. After the chorus, I skipped to the ending of the song, and as the audience applauded, a squad of marching drummers formed a circle in front on the stage and proceded to play for the next hour. We tore down my sound equipment to the serenade of their thumping. It was strange.

It was great to play again, to experience the set-up and tear-down chaos, to find the balance between getting the job done and responding to people who want to comment or ask about the music. An hour later, I got to listen to my old friends of the band Lift play on a nearby stage. It was great to hang out with old frends again and to enjoy the music and the festival and the chilly fall evening.

Today, Adam and I went out to breakfast at our new favorite French cafe, and to an antique store just for fun, and to shop for halloween costumes to wear to Hardie's party in Yellow Springs next weekend. I also have the haunted house to look forward to this week, and two shows on campus. And tomorrow is Monday. I'm back at the dorm. Let the craziness begin.

beginning

2005-10-21T18:54:00.000-05:00

I feel like starting a blog.

Why?

Um, I guess because it's Friday. And because I get excited about things I see and feel like having a place to draw attention to such things. I like taking pictures of things that are somewhat purposeless other than the fact that they inspire me. And if there's one thing I need, it's inspiration.

And I feel like people don't know me very well, because when is there really time to get to know a person? At any time of day you feel like by reading their blog, that's when there's time! Bon appetit.